It’s in the Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope: Mar 17-24


Aries: (March 21 – April 19):
You are inventive and imaginative, which explains your habit of constantly lying. Your parents will have plenty of reasons to be reminded of how using a simple, inexpensive condom would have been a much better option. Wed. PM: Paranoia strikes deep.


Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):

Meeting with pulsating Pisces proves you have something in common: the same parole officer. Your vocational options include a greased dancing pole or making license plates. The two most common elements in your body are hydrogen and stupidity. Tues am. You learn that being mean is what makes you happy.


Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):

You come across in business and personal communications as a persuasive and charming moron. Stars indicate a luscious Libra will invite you to a fireman’s dinner. Tactile Taurus offers chicken thigh. You accept leg from amorous Aries. Geriatric Gemini fondles chicken breast causing loss of appetite.

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):

Some things are better left unsaid. If only you could determine which ones. Just because someone has a high IQ doesn’t mean that person is a good, contributing member of society. And just because you have a low IQ does not mean you are good looking.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22):

You’re changing careers! Get ready to join the lucrative, fulfilling world of escort service. Factually, you may not actually be this sign. It is likely your mother lied to you about your birth date, as part of a cover-up.  Don’t smoke marijuana while operating weed whacker.

Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):
You insist you’re single because you’re “too picky.” Coworkers insist it’s because you’re 75 pounds overweight, have body odor and sub-normal intelligence.  Venus brings expressions of love. People say they would love to strangle you. Seeking a job could provide a useful source of income.


Libra: (September 23 – October 22):

You can’t help but notice gorgeous co-worker smiling broadly, and infusing everyone around her with happiness. And you can’t help but think how good it would feel to punch her right in her stupid little face. Pluto in 11th house gives you a reprieve from insanity and you have marvelous, lucid moments when you are merely stupid.


Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):
Using words may help you communicate your thoughts this week. A Saturn-Neptune alliance will allow you to become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known as decomposing. Fill canteen with Fiji water. Tues. pm: Brush your tongue.

Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):
Bad dairy causes embarrassing abdominal discomfort. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.  Artificial Intelligence is no match for your natural stupidity. PM: Saturday best time to be murdered. AM: Sunday: Hobbies will be good for your emotional well-being. Tues: You will be saddened to learn that Karl Marx was not one of the Marx Brothers.

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):
What’s a nice person like you doing with a face like that? Limit pot smoking to one pound per week. Losing weight will make you look slimmer. Beady eyes, eyebrow ridges, furry hands and feet, hair on back, describe your next lover to a tee.

Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):
Friend’s suicide note turns out to be hoax. Conceal disappointment.  A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which inexorably leads to his suicide three days later. You excel at social events.


Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):

Life on the home front has never been more serene since you left. Flatulence thought silent prompts thoughtful friend to suggest hearing aid. Keep pants on when showering. Sun. PM: Pinching athletic Aries’ buttocks is misunderstood.
Sun AM: Good time to buy breath mints wholesale.

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