A city worker walks into the Third Street Tap Room and says, “Bartender, a round for everyone, on me!”
The bartender says, “Well, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, hmm?”
“Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start tomorrow!”
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. The next night the same man walks back in, “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”
The bartender says, “If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your first paycheck!”
With a surprised look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, “You mean I get a paycheck too?”
A man dressed in hunting clothes and carrying a shotgun was arrested for stalking tourists in Niagara Falls State Park. When asked what he thought he was doing, he stated, “It’s tourist season, isn’t it?”
Mayor Dyster found out that the city comptroller has scammed the city out of $2 million. The comptroller happens to be deaf. Dyster had previously hired him because a deaf comptroller would not be able to hear anything he’d ever have to testify about in court.
When the mayor questions the comptroller about the missing $2 million, he brings along Seth Piccirillo, who knows sign language. The mayor asks the comptroller: “Where is the $2 million you embezzled?” Piccirillo, using sign language, asks the comptroller where the $2 million dollars is hidden.
The comptroller signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about. ” Seth Piccirillo tells the mayor: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
That’s when Mayor Dyster pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the comptroller’s temple, cocks it, and says: “Ask him again!” Piccirillo signs to the underling: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The comptroller signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind my cousin Pat’s house in DeVeaux!” The mayor asks Seth Piccirillo: “Well, what’d he say?”
Piccirillo replies: “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
A Niagara Falls Police officer recently stopped a tourist for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, “I’m Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter.”
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… this time you get a warning.”
A Niagara Falls Police officer was covering a quiet beat when he was amazed to find a former police captain on the police force doing the same.
He stopped the car and asked, “Why, Captain, this wouldn’t be your new beat out here on the streets, would it?”
“That it is,” the captain replied grimly, “ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.”
“You mean you pinched his honor?” asked the patrol officer.
“How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?” demanded the demoted captain.
“Well,” mused the cop, “there’s a lesson in this somewhere.”
“That there is,” replied the captain…. “You should never book a judge by his cover.”