Niagara Reporter
Aries: (March 21 – April 19):
Why don’t you go into that corner and finish evolving?” When people think of all the people they respect the most, you’re right there, serving them drinks. We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):
You are short on looks, absolutely deprived of any dress sense, have a figure like a Jurassic monster, very greedy when it comes to money, no tact and want to upstage everyone else. Other than that you are something very special indeed! Quick somebody kill it before it multiplies.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):
You’re so boring, that when you’re introduced people fall asleep halfway through your name. A night out for you is a night off for your family. The world is a depressing place, but only because you are in it. People weren’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how they feel.
Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):
People wish you no ill, but it is surprising how many people feel it would have been much better if you had never lived. People can’t tell if you’re on too many drugs or not enough. Some day you will find yourself – and wish you hadn’t.
Leo: (July 23 – August 22):
Sorry, I can’t understand what you’re saying… I’m wearing a moron filter. People know you’re special that’s why they wave with one finger. You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had, only to find out that you are not popular anyway.
Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):
A huge fur ball on two overdeveloped legs. Nothing happens after you die? False. Some of us will be throwing a party. You may be a beautiful person on the inside, too bad you were born on the outside! You didn’t evolve from apes, they evolved from you.
Libra: (September 23 – October 22):
I’ve charted serial killers and assassins but nobody scared me as much as you. Stay indoors. People think of you when they are lonely. Then they are content to be alone. I just stepped in something that was smarter than you, and it smelled better.
Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):
Donate your face to the US Bureau of Wildlife. You should donate blood. All of it! When you get run over by a car, it shouldn’t be listed under accidents. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):
Well, at least you found your true love – what a pity you can’t marry yourself. While you have no enemies, you are intensely disliked by your friends. You’re such a turd, when you sit in the sandbox, cats try to bury you.
Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):
Your bus leaves in 10 minutes… Be under it. You’re not my cup of tea, mainly because I don’t like huge pieces of shit in my tea. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice. Some babies were dropped on their heads but you were clearly thrown at a wall.
Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):
Look, it’s all right to donate your brain to science but shouldn’t you have waited till you died? After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us. I want to call you stupid, but that isn’t enough. Sorry, I can’t think of an insult stupid enough for you.
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):
You will soon be involved in international affairs; when you date someone from Canada. As a failure, you are a great success. Your proctologist called. They’ve found your head.
Gee I wish I’d known you when you were alive.
Tues: You better hide, the garbage collector is coming!
