It’s in the Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope: Feb 17-24


Aries: (March 21 – April 19):
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.  Muddlement is your word of the week.  Obstacles will seem insurmountable to you this week, and they are. Life on the home front has never been more se-rene since you left.  Your talents as a musician come to the fore when several recognize you as skilled at playing the liar.


Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):

Don’t go ice skating on the lake until it gets a lot warmer. You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror. Your first instinct will be to run. . Be enthusiastic about the success of others, since you will have none yourself.


Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):

Hoped-for date responds to proposed meeting time with “How about never? Is never good for you?”
Change your sign to Pisces. Lover breaks up and writes sequel to Milton, called “Paradise Regained.” Sunday PM: Test all food for poison. You will be torn away from friends and cast out of the only home you’ve ever known, now that your prison sentence is over.

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):

Try to figure out why people often say, “If I throw a stick, will you leave?”  Dynamite, mustache wax, rope, and train tracks figure in an encounter.  P.M. Best time to sleep in order to get rest for the following day. Finances improve for coworker who takes your job. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22):

People would like to insult you, but don’t think you’re bright enough to notice.  Persistence, if you had it, would be a great substitute for the talent you lack. Failure to make minimum credit card payment two weeks prior to receiving mortgage commitment leaves Uranus in empty house. Be ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window.

Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):
Don’t forget to purchase two tickets when you visit the zoo. You’ll need one to get out.  Stars point out that you were boring in your past and will be so in the future. When was the last time you said, “I couldn’t be happier”?  Whenever it was, don’t expect it again anytime soon.


Libra: (September 23 – October 22):

Lover responds to your pathetic pleas with: “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead?” No pie, cake or donut ever crossed your path and survived.  Hair extending out of your nose and ears presents some social handicaps in P.M.  You probably have no social plans for the weekend, but if so, they will result in disaster.


Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):
Wear ugly sweaters to distract people from seeing your face. Avoid unnecessary death.
You overhear the sound of your own snoring. Join an expensive health club and make a habit of never go-ing there.
Getting more money may improve your financial situation. Encouraging news on Tuesday will turn out to be inaccurate.
Tues.: Don’t hand marijuana to kids.

Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):
You become so famous in your area that every policeman knows you. You will have reason to exclaim this week, “Nobody makes a good deodorant.” An attractive member of the opposite sex is secretly laughing at you.
Travel, promotion, and romance indicated, if you live long enough. But not in the foreseeable future. PM: Keep away from sulfuric acid.

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):
A promotion is just around the corner for someone more talented than you. You will get a job where you meet people, with plenty of air. It will involve standing on street corners and shaking a tin cup. Stars plays role in reigniting romance.  Your partner is a little jumpy however and steals your life savings.

Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):
Venus influences love life: Ugly neighbor, who is a depressed, lice-ridden, jealous, hemorrhoidal foreigner, who collects razors, has a crush on you. This week your desire for justice and truth is overshadowed by your desire for fast, illegal money. Future looks bleak.  Wed p.m. You will consume a seven-course meal – a hot dog and a six pack.


Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):

Thurs: Try to figure out why people visualize duct tape over your mouth.  You say you are a little snowflake dancing in the universe. People say you are smelly and dirty and openly pick your toenails.  Monday AM: A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the bathroom. Saturday PM: Becoming invisible could prove useful.

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