It’s in the Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope: Feb 11-17


Aries: (March 21 – April 19):
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why you appear bright until you speak.  When you were a child, your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.  You’re so dumb, when you were born, your mom should have been arrested for smuggling dope.


Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):

People like your approach, now prefer to see your departure. I just stepped in something that was smarter than you… and smelled better too. You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway. Excellent time to become a missing person.


Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):

You should be in commercials for birth control. You’re so ugly when you look in the mirror, your reflection looks away. You’re such a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful person. Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were having a lying competition. Don’t you get tired of putting make up on two faces every morning?

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):

To the question, “are you pretty or ugly?”  the answer is you’re both: “You’re pretty ugly.”  You’re not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be! People wish they had a hear-ing aid so they could turn you off. When they were hand-ing out brains, you thought they said trains and asked for a slow one.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22):

Keep talking. People always yawn when they’re interested. Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more. You’re at least one Brady short of a Bunch. The zoo calls They’re wondering how you got out of your cage? I thought of you today. It reminded me to take the garbage out.

Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):
When you were born, your mother didn’t know which end to put the diaper on.  People would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives them displeasure.  If ma-nure were music, you’d be a brass band. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control! The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.


Libra: (September 23 – October 22):

You say you have the body of a Greek god. You need to understand Buddha is not Greek. You should have been born in the Dark Ages, you look terrible in the light. You’ve had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate people feel for you is the real thing.


Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):
If ugliness were bricks, you’d be the Great Wall of China!  You’re so dumb, blondes tell jokes about you.  Someday you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there. Your doctor calls with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head. No, those pants don’t make you look fatter – how could they?

Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. Take off that mask! Don’t you think it’s a little early for Halloween? When you get run over by a car it shouldn’t be listed under accidents. You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):
How do you leave a jackass in suspense?   The stars will tell you tomorrow.  Someone took a photo of you once but it didn’t turn out. You could be seen too clearly.  When they made you, they broke the mold—and beat the mold maker. If ugly were a crime, you’d get a life sentence.

Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):
You’ve got the perfect weapon against muggers. Your face.  You’re so boring, your dreams have Muzak. Your family tree is a tumbleweed. Slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.  THE EARTH IS FULL GO HOME  Scientists say the universe is made up of neutrons, protons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.


Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):

You were born under the sign of “Red Light District!”  You are not as bad as people say – you are worse!  You have a face only a mother could love – and she hates it!  You’re the best at all you do – and all you do is make people hate you.

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