Niagara Falls Mayor Paul Dyster’s new budget has both good and bad news. The good news is that he found $192,000 in the budget to fund the empty Niagara Falls train station next year. The bad news is – it’s still in your pocket.
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Mayor Dyster was out for a walk one evening when he was accosted by a street thug, who demanded, “Give me your money!”
“Do you know who I am?” shouted Dyster, “You can’t rob me… I’m the mayor!”
“In that case,” replied the crook, “Give me my money!”
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The 2017 city of Niagara Falls budget allocates over $300,000, as it does every year, for city “uniforms”. It also spends over $10,000 annually on “overtime meals”. We think the city should also invest a few thousand dollars in “bibs”.
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In year 2020, with the new Niagara Falls train station still empty and costing the city more than $200,000 annually to maintain, Mayor Dyster hit on a plan to start paying for it so that it’s no longer a burden on taxpayers.
He wants to create a lottery on the internet for railroad fans like himself – for $100 they have a chance to win the shuttered train station. He’ll do it anonymously so that prospective lottery participants can’t do any due diligence. Despite that, several thousand train buffs, like Dyster himself is, will pony up for a chance to fulfill their fantasy and actually possess their very own train station, from which they are fooled into thinking they will be able to watch the choo-choo’s come and go.
Deeply concerned about the legality of the scheme, the Corporation Counsel asked Dyster to explain it to them.
“What’s the lottery winner going to do when he realizes that there are no tenants for the train station?” Dyster was asked. “What happens when he finds out that there are no trains, since Amtrak never moved in? When he finds out he’s been cheated and tells the rest of lottery players, the city will be sued!”
“Nah,” said Mayor Dyster, “We’ll just refund him double his money.”
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A woman was shopping at Portage Road Tops when her toddler picked up a coin in the parking lot, swallowed it and started choking. The woman was in a panic, not knowing what to do, when a stranger ran up, grabbed the child, turned him upside down and gave him several firm slaps on the upper back, resulting in the coin being dislodged.
“Thank you, oh thank you!” cried out the woman, “How did you what to do? Are you a doctor, or an EMT?”
“No,” he replied, picking the coin up from the pavement and pocketing it, “I work for Dyster.”
