Niagara Falls jokes

We were so poor when I was growing up that at Christmas time Dad used to suck a peppermint and we’d all sit round his tongue.

We were so poor when I was growing up that at Christmas time we couldn’t afford tinsel on the Christmas tree, so we’d just wheel old grand dad in and make the old coot sneeze.

We were so poor when I was growing up that at Christmas time we would get batteries with a note, “Toys not included”.

We were so poor when I was growing up that one Christmas Dad gave Mom a set of perfumes for Christmas called “Ample”. She couldn’t even tell that he had scraped off the “S”.

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What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

“It’s Christmas, Eve!”

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Santa sometimes acts a little squirrelly around this time of year. What do you expect? He’s been diagnosed bi-polar.

Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

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Why is there an angel on top of the Christmas tree?

One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress. He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, his sleigh wasn’t loaded and the elves were talking about going on strike. An angel walks into his office and asks, “Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?”

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At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, “I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!” and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says “I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!” Once again, silence for 366 days (it’s leap year).

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, “I am fed up with this constant bickering!”