It’s in the Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope: July 14- July 20

Aries: (March 21 – April 19):

You may start complaining about second hand smoke the minute you shed the extra 200 pounds. Inform judge before sentencing that anger management classes piss you off royally.
AM: Put Ex-lax in the custard doughnuts. Your boss loves these as much as you do.

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):

Mars/Taurus 3°35’59 Starvation becomes a health hazard for you. Learn to play the harmonica. It will annoy others. “Headlice!” is a word that will have new meaning for you. Financial institution adds “fees” to your accounts.
Wed. AM: Brush your tongue.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):

Jupiter 2°50’56 in 10th house suggests something to look forward to: You’ll be praised after your death for your contributions to the field of forensic science. Impress co-workers by saying in a low voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
AM: Do not drink poison.

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):

Creative powers at zenith: Smoke plenty of pot. Drink one gallon of prune juice and feel the flow as you change lyrics of “Wild Thing” to “Prune Juice.” Begin with “prune juice, I think you move me.”
PM: Schizophrenia is a word that you could not define but curiously defines you.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22):

Attractive cannibal with delicious smile, flattering tongue and moist eyes, chooses spending the night alone with you, over going to your neighbor’s party where they serve all the Armour hot dogs you can eat. Stars suggest tension at work: You queer things up when you tell your boss, “let me get this straight, you expect me to feel gay about going to sensitivity classes when I’m all fagged out from working these long hours?”
AM: Pretend you are listening to people who find you boring.

Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):

“What’s a nice person like you doing with a face like that?” It is a question that will be posed many, many times in your life. Get professional help. It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select your new spouse.
Sunday PM: Party as if it were 1999.

 

Libra: (September 23 – October 22):

Your parents grew up in a small village where you met an elderly couple who later died. In a bold effort to see how many plates of food you can eat at the Home Style Buffet, you will find the answer sadly to be one less plate than you attempted.
Sun. A talk show that you overhear today is likely to concern principles on which you must base your entire life.

Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):

The only place you’ll ever find “success” is in a book they call Websters. Take a bath for goodness sake, stinky. Using deodorant may be a good idea. Throw away clocks that don’t work.
Wed. The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today.
Saturday PM: Love is in the air, but not for you – UGLY!

Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):

Neptune in 8th. You will find that some astrological advice you read this week will be misleading and potentially cost you a lot of money. Fire is a hazard you won’t want to ignore this week. Insure everything for 125% of original cost.
Sun. AM: You will have trouble talking on your cell phone because of a distraction in the room and a bad connection. Wait until after the sermon and call back from outside.

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):

A car accident awaits you in the coming week, which is unfortunate, as it’s the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas stations. You become a prostitute in order to make money but wind up flat on your back.
Tues: Face lift indicated.

Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):

Retrograde Scorpio in 6th. Bad dairy could cause embarrassing abdominal discomfort. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION. Drink alcohol instead of milk.
Mon. AM: You learn why co-workers call you Pinocchio.
AM: Sunday: Hobbies good for emotional well being. But make sure life insurance is current.

 

Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):

Losing weight will make you look slimmer. Begin new diet: start each day with McDonald’s pancakes. Lunch Kit Kat bars, Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies and diet Mt. Dew’s. Dinner: McRib sandwiches and Diet Pepsi. You’ll look great, baby.
Tues. AM: Make appointment with plastic surgeon.