Aries: (March 21 – April 19)
Your personality resembles a Labrador’s nose: cold, black, and wet. You are as slick as a broken egg on a linoleum floor. Ordering an extra shot of espresso in your grande non-fat sugar free one pump raspberry syrup two pumps vanilla syrup soy latte Wednesday will lead to your death and subsequent rebirth as a vampire.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20)
Instead of handshakes and a tepid hello, greet strangers with a ravenous kiss, lapping and sucking at their mouth. Do not make direct eye contact with anyone.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 20)
“It’s a grim tale” is how someone will preface your story before showing your lifeless body, crumpled like a forlorn Snicker’s candy wrapper to the press. Ask your parents to increase your allowance to ten cents a week.
Cancer: (June 21 – July 22)
Your fingerprints are found on “blunt instrument” that caused fatal depression in your boss’s skull. Wipe croquet mallet clean. Get out of your room on Friday. You make a very unfortunate zombie; the coroner having removed your dentures and all of your clothes before you reanimate–thus you are destined to stagger naked through the woods, attempting to gum small animals to death.
Leo: (July 23 – August 22)
The theft of a trainload of Native American fish broth concentrate will mean absolutely nothing to you this week. AM: Best time to have unprotected sex. The inside of your intestinal tract looked like some dark, dank subway system in a decaying inner city,; however, to Timmy the Tapeworm this is home.
Virgo: (August 23 – September 22)
The Stars reveal that you will procure a new profession where you will learn how to treat goat-udder growths, shovel manure and make Limburger cheese. Welcome to the exciting world of goat herding. Your desire for justice and truth is overshadowed by desire for fast, illegal money. Future looks bleak.
Libra: (September 23 – October 22)
Follow the dusky Doberman of desire into the kennel of lust. The stench would have been too much for most people to take, but you’re used to it since it follows you everywhere and others call it BO.
Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21)
This week you will ask a stranger, “What are you doing in my bedroom at this time of night, and why are you grinning at me with those sharp teeth.” You like traveling and if you had money then you would do so.
Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21)
Your mother tried to have an illegal, late term abortion: She wanted abort you when you were 15. Your trembling hand and timid fingertips edge close to the neck of lover’s silk blouse, your heart pounding ever faster in syncopation with lover’s panting breaths, gentle cries coming from slightly-parted lips, pleading eyes wide with a primitive emotion. Next time use mosquito repellent.
Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19)
Graceful, you move with the ease of a toilet snake through a four-inch sewer line. Misgivings about being stranded aboard a life raft, facing the unrelenting hunger and the possibility of having to eat the weaker members of the crew just to eke out the chance of survival for a few more days are regrettable.
Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18)
Try to figure out why people visualize duct tape over your mouth. You had been warned by your parents on numerous occasions never to venture into the woods after dark or risk some vague and unspoken fate once within the trees, so just play in your front yard instead.
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20)
Stop kissing the mirror with admiration. When the corpse showed up in the swimming pool, her dead bosoms bobbing up and down like twin poached eggs in hollandaise sauce, you decide to call the police as soon as you finish taking pictures of your breakfast and posting them to your Facebook wall.