Your Weekly Horoscope: 'It's in the Stars...'
By Jean Topascani
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| Jean Topascani |
Aries:
Your talents as a musician come to the fore when several recognize you as skilled at playing the liar. Argument with lover leads to bloodshed: Argument worsens: Your lover and you fight over whether the crimson pool on the floor is shaped more like a duck or a cow.
Taurus:
Unlike Socrates, who was smart and died from an overdose of hemlock, you are stupid and will likely die from an overdose of wedlock. When shoplifting, avoid stealing purple bathing suit. It will reveal unflattering dimple. This week you'll become displeased to discover you are known among co-workers as "goat face." Wed. PM: Shave entire body except underarms.
Gemini:
You finally realize that taking drugs is neither smart nor savvy. However, selling drugs is. Begin at once. Moon in 3rd house indicates that, if you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some garlic in your hair. A bat wielding Capricorn will provide answer to lingering question, "What is it about me that makes people want to beat me with a baseball bat?"
Cancer:
New lover becomes repulsed after first smile reveals teeth as deep stained yellow. Leave it to Aries Moon to smooth it away after you explain you drink urine six times daily. Continue working for escort service, but for companionship only. Ask your date to circumcise the world on a 100 foot clipper.
Leo
Lover breaks up and writes sequel to Milton, called "Paradise Regained." Laxative proves effective but spoils hot tub party. An attractive member of the opposite sex is secretly laughing at you. Encouraging news on Tuesday will turn out to be false.
Try to figure out why people often say, "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
Virgo
You will be torn away from friends and cast out of the only home you've ever known, now that your prison sentence is over. Be enthusiastic about the success of others, since you will have none yourself. AM: Monday: Nose appears to grow longer. Avoid playing in traffic on Wed. Sunday PM: Test all food for poison.
Libra
The love you are currently experiencing is not reciprocated. However, the object of your love will lose teeth in boating accident, so all is not lost. The stars indicate that if you eat regularly and take restful sleep, it will be healthful.
PM: Brush your tongue. AM: Don't buy poisonous snake.
Scorpio
You have an abbess on your knee, which makes walking difficult. You have something in common with attractive Aries: irritable bowel syndrome. Feelings hurt when VD clinic refuses your IOU. Rely on outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot of trouble. Wed. Office snacks are tempting. Wear your fat pants.
Sagittarius
High sex appeal to the opposite gender. Fun to be around. Very caring. This doesn't sound like you and the stars can do nothing to change it. You will have ample reason to exclaim this week: "Nobody makes a good deodorant."
Fri. PM: Best time to become a transgender person to improve appearance.
Capricorn
Pluto in 6th prompt humorous friend to offer 'chocolate' that is really ex-lax. Skip home rather than walk. Neighbor politely asks you to close your bathroom window. You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror. Your first instinct will be to run.
Aquarius
Neptune in retrograde leads to a career as an initially successful but ultimately discovered embezzler. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the bathroom.
Win points at feminist convention when you offer used tampon to female archeologist and demand she tell you what period this came from.
Pisces
People regard you as dense, but you never notice. Be frugal this week, but splurge on two things: Do not reuse condoms. Substitute carob for chocolate. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing. Use guns, instead of words, to describe philosophical concepts. Learn to speak English.