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Your Weekly Horoscope: 'It's in the Stars...'

By Jean Topascani


The universe has something marvelous planned for you. Using deodorant may be an excellent idea. Express yourself through body painting. But use Behr or Sherwin-Williams, not watered-down paint that bubbles up right away.

Weds: Don't inhale. Not marijuana, but air.


Friday and Saturday sparkle with possibilities. You will take a trip of a pleasant nature, meet an attractive person whom you will identify through a smile - look for blood-engorged gumlines of gingivitis - then divorce your spouse. Pluto in conflict with Uranus suggests obtaining more money may improve your financial situation.


Underarm perspiration becomes noticeable on "runaway" date. Don't trust strangers who offer to take your money and double it. Loved ones may not appreciate your constant suggestions that they are stupid. Sun: You will meet a socially awkward proctologist who will anger you when he gives you the finger. Stay calm.


Jupiter is allied with Mars. The unrelenting waves of your halitosis improves. Safely move within 16 feet when speaking to people. You prove to scoffing, repulsed lover that it is peach juice stains on your shorts since it attracts fruit flies, not the common housefly.


Moon in the 12th house is squared by Mars. A winsome stranger notices that you are hilarious, sincere, warm and stupid. Close friends enjoy having parties this week that are kept secret from you. Tues: Corpulent person will sit upon your lap and feed you cheese blasters. You discover dead body in funeral home. Sun: Put on a few extra strokes of deodorant.


Virgos are known to become uglier as they grow older. Avoid contact with normal people. You can't get over heavyset lover when lover rolls over on you and passes out. Revenge is sweet. After seven year old beats you at chess, beat her savagely at kick boxing. The stars indicate you will prosper outside the law.


Neptune in 8th suggests that you will find that some astrological advice you read this week will be misleading and potentially cost you a lot of money. Moon highlights you. Muffled giggling on couch suggests people in your own home are laughing at you behind your back. Uranus is in plain sight. Put some pants on. Before you do, take a bath for goodness sake.


Mercury is afflicted, and you appear as a person of low intellect, dishonest, neurotic and a pervert. Using words may help communicate your thoughts. "How long have these cold cuts been in your refrigerator?" is a question paramedics ask you later in the week. But you will be utterly unable to respond. Avoid playing in traffic on Wed. Thurs. PM: Avoid temptation to believe in astrology.


Mercury forms a semi-square with optimistic Jupiter but expresses itself in disquieting pairs. A fly in your butter turns out to be margarine - and it's a moth. Romance is in the air, just over northern Colorado. The stars indicate simpler lifestyle: You will wind up living in a cardboard box. Thurs: Becoming invisible could prove useful.

AM: Good time to quit school.


The "armpit of the zodiac." Body odor much commented upon. There isn't enough Old Spice in the USA, plus Hawaii and Alaska and Continental Europe, plus the United Kingdom, to solve this problem. You will do prison time for something you will describe to the judge during allocution as a "misunderstanding." Consider changing your sign to Taurus since you are quite literally full of bull. Sat: Your brain could play a big part in your decisions today.


The Gemini Moon gives you strength to reach the brilliant goals you set. Check career opportunities at McDonald's. Love is in the air this weekend. Buy an air freshener. You will come to live in apartments in several exotic cities where you will learn about the differing eviction laws in various cities. Your artistic temperament causes many things to move you, especially prune juice.


Afflictions from Mars and Uranus suggest financial collapse. Blackmail friends and relatives for needed income. Mars in 6th suggests you should avoid socially unacceptable noises. Fanny pack looks unbecoming on your already ample derriere, but, and it is a big 'but' - wear it anyway since it matches your fat pants. The fervent touch of the mysterious stranger's experienced hands leads to the pick pocketing of your wallet and not the one night stand you envisioned.



Niagara Falls Reporter - Publisher Frank Parlato Jr. www.niagarafallsreporter.com

Jan 07, 2014