Your Weekly Horoscope: 'It's in the Stars...'
By Jean Topascani
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| Jean Topascani |
You are toast, and not the light buttery kind but charred and blackened in the bottom of the toaster and thrown away because no matter how much of the burnt part you scrape off with a knife, there's always more blackened toast beneath. Stick to what you do best -- nothing.
Taurus: (April 20 - May 20)Say nothing positive about anyone for three days. There is anger in your brain. Douse it with beer. Boycott all personal hygiene products because of animal testing. Saturday PM: Play slots at Seneca Casino. Bring deed to your house, in order to continue playing after cash is depleted.
Gemini: (May 21 - June 20)The best years of your life are ahead of you, if only because you spent the childhood ones living in a nest. Loved ones may not appreciate your constant suggestions that they are stupid. AM: Keep away from sulfuric acid. PM: Avoid temptation to believe in astrology.
Cancer: (June 21 - July 22)The three secrets of life are as follows: first, keep your eyes and ears open; second: don't tell everything you know. Bad dream unnerves you: Richard Simmons charges into your bedroom and starts Sweating to the Oldies on the end of your bed. Sun. Put on a few extra strokes of deodorant.
Leo: (July 23 - August 22)This week will be like any other, except on Wednesday. Try to do a good deed for the wrong reason or a bad deed for the right reason. Read aloud "Luke Luck licks lakes" pages in Dr. Seuss' "Fox in Socks" three times as fast as you can.
Virgo: (August 23 - September 22)Don't consult stars. Send a message back to Command Central on Earth and ask for their advice. You learn while working at the Venereal Disease Treatment Center, that a young person should mind herpes and cues. Turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to their red eyes and constant laughter.
Libra: (September 23 - October 22)People regard you as dense, but you never notice. Ending a sentence with a preposition is the sort of nonsense up with which you will not put. Keep an ear out for someone with an interesting accent. Smoking marijuana helps you forget most people consider you a pothead.
Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21)Moderately shapely legs, adequate waist, decent bosom, and not-unattractive face, affords you the nickname "Miss You'll-Do-Until-Something-Better-Comes-Along!" You are exacerbated, although you don't know it since you are not sure exactly what the word means. Finish all sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." Heed advice about sources of all-natural fiber.
Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21)You love your new lover like no other; your romance develops quickly, like the rapid growth of farm swine which grow from 2 to 4 pounds daily until they're fully grown and put to market for slaughter. Save money. Write in the memo field for all your checks, "For smuggling cocaine."
Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19)Upon having the triage nurses greet your ambulance, you realize happily that your underwear, as far as you can determine, is in pretty decent condition, but you'll, nonetheless, never pull through the surgery. Curious Cancer checks pulse on date to confirm you are alive. Throw out pens that don't work.
Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18)You love your new lover like no other; your romance develops quickly like the rapidly growing cells that produce moose antlers until they fall off in early spring. On elevator, stare, grinning at other passengers, then announce: "I've got new socks on!" Don't smoke marijuana while operating weed whacker.
Pisces: (February 19 - March 20)Your spouse is unusually silent on breakup. But you calculated on that. Homicide victims rarely talk to police. Nothing is too good for you. Literally. After fire erupts at home. Call 911. When dispatcher asks "How do we get to your house?," answer calmly, "In a big red truck, dummy!"