Your Weekly Horoscope: 'It's in the Stars...'
By Jean Topascani
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| Jean Topascani |
Aries: The average person has trouble figuring you out, although you are really laughably stupid. Your manure rake breaks from shoveling too much of your own sh-t. Pluto, not the planet, but the cartoon dog, influences your decision to quit work and watch the cartoon channel. Kinship, homeland, and asexual reproduction are in the stars.
Taurus: You will meet a good looking stranger who will begin to melt that frozen block of ice you call your heart, scrape away the ugly slushy bits until all is smoothed over, then promptly skate away with your bank account and your best friend. Serve Palestinian prune sauce at room temperature.
Gemini: A personal-injury attorney with a warm smile will advertise on a billboard not far from your home. A person named Herb will confide in you that he is, unfortunately, a herbivore. Cannibals make you feel both oddly desirable and unnaturally jumpy. Sell your toe nail clippings on eBay and donate proceeds to charity.
Cancer: At the stroke of midnight, on a dark and stormy night, with a foreboding landscape, nothing in particular will happen. A warm, rank odor hits your nostrils, making you tense until you realize it is coming from your own armpits. Police arrest a mime for shoplifting and say "You have a right to remain silent."
Leo: Among love-tangled sheets, a mercurial lover will hold you for what will seem like forever, although eventually you will have to get up to go to the bathroom. Buy a cat who will find baby bunnies, birds and mice, tear their heads off and drag their lifeless bodies to the back porch door for your delectation.
Virgo: Orange jumpsuit work best as fat pants and also looks good during your courthouse appearances. An attractive woman with more whiskers than a Civil War general will point a crossbow at your head. Your new orange underwear sticks to your backside like an All-Pro cornerback to a rookie wide receiver.
Libra: A chubby-faced cherub will dash through the parlor, leap toward your arms and get stopped abruptly by sliding glass door. A slender Victoria's Secret model neatly displays thong underwear reminding you that even the largest XXX pair of Fruit of the Loom For Mature Women white cotton panties are unable to encapsulate your ample derriere. But, and it is a big 'but', if you lose 100 lbs, you will still be just as ugly.
Scorpio: A wealthy, desirable socialite, in a celery-green dressing gown, a creamy bosom rising and falling like a temperamental souffle, a tart mouth pursed in distaste, will suddenly disrobe and sprawl across the bed of someone you never met in a place you don't know. After reading this horoscope, use this newspaper for cat box liner.
Sagittarius: A saline-soaked sponge, a handsome wood grain chair with ultra comfortable straps, and 2,450 volts of electricity, figure in an endeavor where you will get your 15 seconds of fame. Frozen pizza is never any good and there is nothing science can do about it. Prune juice will move you.
Capricorn: It started off as a dubious prank that may or may not come off as funny, but the tarantula slipped into your underwear, and your subsequent screams, are later discussed as among the funniest and most successful pranks co-workers ever accomplished to entertain themselves this season at your expense. To put it in a nutshell, people think you're nuts.
Aquarius: Your body exudes the aroma of a piquant, ancho chili glaze enticingly enhanced with a hint of fresh cilantro, coyly garnished by a garland of variegated radicchio and caramelized onions, and impishly drizzled with glistening rivulets of vintage balsamic vinegar and roasted garlic oil: Yes, you smell terrible. Go take a shower. It is right under your nose: A zit.
Pisces: A discarded toenail clipping submersed in a puddle of saliva on your black Formica countertop is the only thing your lover leaves after breaking up with you. From across the room you will catch the eye of an attractive member of the opposite sex. You will return the glass eye to the attractive stranger who will gracefully pop it back in place with a soft sucking sound. A whorehouse, rotting fish carcasses, and a third-tier law school figure in your future.