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Your Weekly Horoscope: 'It's in the Stars...'

By Jean Topascani

Jean Topascani


You're changing careers! Get ready to join the lucrative, fulfilling world of escort service. Meeting with pulsating Pisces proves you have something in common: the same parole officer. You are inventive and imaginative, which explains your habit of constantly lying. Don't smoke marijuana while operating weed whacker.


You insist you're single because you're "too picky." Co-workers insist it's because you're 75 pounds overweight, have body odor and subnormal intelligence. Factually, you may not actually be this sign. It is likely your mother lied to you about your birth date, as part of a cover-up. There is a car called a Ford Taurus. Buy one.


Just because someone has a high IQ doesn't mean that person is a good, contributing member of society. And just because you have a low IQ does not mean you are good looking. Losing weight will make you look slimmer. Some things are better left unsaid. If only you could determine which ones.


Venus brings expressions of love. People say they would love to strangle you. Seeking a job could provide a useful source of income. Beady eyes, eyebrow ridges, furry hands and feet, hair on back, describe your next lover to a tee. Start to give yourself the same bad advice you have been giving others.


Stars bring fortune: The widow of an African political leader will offer you $10 million sometime this week by email. Send bank account information, passwords and any reasonable sum of money needed to facilitate this lucrative transaction.

Wed p.m. You will consume a seven-course meal - a hot dog and a six pack.


The stars are in perfect alignment. Your vocational options include a greased dancing pole or making license plates. Your parents will have plenty of reasons to be reminded of how using a simple, inexpensive condom would have been a much better option.

Wed. PM: Paranoia strikes deep.


The two most common elements in your body are hydrogen and stupidity. Wed. Your lover and your best friend break the news to you that they are in love. You are deeply hurt since you planned pick-up baseball game and cannot attend their wedding Friday.

Tues am. You learn that being mean is what makes you happy.


This week, you come across in business and personal communications as a persuasive and charming moron. Stars indicate a luscious Libra will invite you to a fireman's dinner. Tactile Taurus offers chicken thigh. You accept leg from amorous Aries. Geriatric Gemini fondles chicken breast causing loss of appetite. Wed. Finish long overdue sewing project.


What's a nice person like you doing with a face like that? Moon in 4th prompts you to use steam iron to smooth out unflattering dimples. Warning: DO NOT set temperature above medium high (#8 on Sunbeam.) Limit pot smoking to one pound per week.

AM: Remember: Artificial Intelligence is no match for your natural stupidity.


You can't help but notice gorgeous co-worker smiling broadly, and infusing everyone around her with happiness. And you can't help but think how good it would feel to punch her right in her stupid little face. Using words may help you communicate your thoughts this week. Fill canteen with Fiji water. Tues. pm: Brush your tongue.


You say you are a little snowflake dancing in the universe. People say you are smelly, dirty and openly pick your toenails. Bad dairy causes embarrassing abdominal discomfort. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

PM: Saturday best time to be murdered.

AM: Sunday: Hobbies will be good for your emotional well being.


A Saturn-Neptune alliance will allow you to become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known as decomposing. Pluto in 11th house gives you a reprieve from insanity and you have marvelous, lucid moments when you are merely stupid.

Tues: You will be saddened to learn that Karl Marx was not one of the Marx Brothers.



Niagara Falls Reporter - Publisher Frank Parlato Jr. www.niagarafallsreporter.com

Feb 04, 2014