Your Weekly Horoscope

Aries: (March 21 – April 19)

Your personality resembles a Labrador’s nose: cold, black, and wet. You are as slick as a broken egg on a linoleum floor. Ordering an extra shot of espresso in your grande non-fat sugar free one pump raspberry syrup two pumps vanilla syrup soy latte Wednesday will lead to your death and subsequent rebirth as a vampire.

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20)

Instead of handshakes and a tepid hello, greet strangers with a ravenous kiss, lapping and sucking at their mouth. Do not make direct eye contact with anyone.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 20)

“It’s a grim tale” is how someone will preface your story before showing your lifeless body, crumpled like a forlorn Snicker’s candy wrapper to the press. Ask your parents to increase your allowance to ten cents a week.

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22)

Your fingerprints are found on “blunt instrument” that caused fatal depression in your boss’s skull. Wipe croquet mallet clean.  Get out of your room on Friday. You make a very unfortunate zombie; the coroner having removed your dentures and all of your clothes before you reanimate–thus you are destined to stagger naked through the woods, attempting to gum small animals to death.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22)

The theft of a trainload of Native American fish broth concentrate will mean absolutely nothing to you this week. AM: Best time to have unprotected sex. The inside of your intestinal tract looked like some dark, dank subway system in a decaying inner city,; however, to Timmy the Tapeworm this is home.

Virgo: (August 23 – September 22)

The Stars reveal that you will procure a new profession where you will learn how to treat goat-udder growths, shovel manure and make Limburger cheese. Welcome to the exciting world of goat herding.  Your desire for justice and truth is overshadowed by desire for fast, illegal money. Future looks bleak.

Libra: (September 23 – October 22)

Follow the dusky Doberman of desire into the kennel of lust. The stench would have been too much for most people to take, but you’re used to it since it follows you everywhere and others call it BO.

Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21)

This week you will ask a stranger, “What are you doing in my bedroom at this time of night, and why are you grinning at me with those sharp teeth.” You like traveling and if you had money then you would do so.

Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21)

Your mother tried to have an illegal, late term abortion: She wanted abort you when you were 15. Your trembling hand and timid fingertips edge close to the neck of lover’s silk blouse, your heart pounding ever faster in syncopation with lover’s panting breaths, gentle cries coming from slightly-parted lips, pleading eyes wide with a primitive emotion. Next time use mosquito repellent.

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19)

Graceful, you move with the ease of a toilet snake through a four-inch sewer line.  Misgivings about being stranded aboard a life raft, facing the unrelenting hunger and the possibility of having to eat the weaker members of the crew just to eke out the chance of survival for a few more days are regrettable.

Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18)

Try to figure out why people visualize duct tape over your mouth. You had been warned by your parents on numerous occasions never to venture into the woods after dark or risk some vague and unspoken fate once within the trees, so just play in your front yard instead.

Pisces: (February 19 – March 20)

Stop kissing the mirror with admiration.  When the corpse showed up in the swimming pool, her dead bosoms bobbing up and down like twin poached eggs in hollandaise sauce, you decide to call the police as soon as you finish taking pictures of your breakfast and posting them to your Facebook wall.



  1. We are a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community.
    Your web site offered us with valuable info to work on. You’ve done an impressive
    job and our entire community will be thankful to you.

  2. If some one wants to be updated with most recent technologies therefore he must be visit this
    website and be up to date every day.

  3. Great site you have here but I was wanting to know if you knew of any community forums that cover the
    same topics talked about in this article? I’d really like to
    be a part of online community where I can get feedback from other knowledgeable people that share the same interest.
    If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

  4. This site was… how do you say it? Relevant!!
    Finally I’ve found something which helped me. Kudos!

  5. very nice post, i undoubtedly love this excellent website, persist in it

  6. An outstanding share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a friend who had been conducting a little research on this.
    And he in fact bought me lunch simply because I discovered it
    for him… lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thanks for the meal!!
    But yeah, thanx for spending some time to discuss
    this issue here on your blog.

  7. What’s Going down i am new to this, I stumbled upon this I’ve found It absolutely useful and
    it has helped me out loads. I am hoping to give a contribution & help different users like its aided
    me. Great job.

  8. Hi mates, its great post regarding tutoringand entirely explained, keep it up all the time.

  9. I must express appreciation to the writer for bailing me out of this type of circumstance. Right after exploring throughout the the net and getting things which were not beneficial, I figured my entire life was done. Living minus the strategies to the issues you have fixed all through your entire review is a serious case, and the kind that would have badly damaged my entire career if I hadn’t discovered the blog. Your actual training and kindness in taking care of a lot of things was helpful. I am not sure what I would have done if I had not come across such a stuff like this. I can also at this point relish my future. Thank you very much for your reliable and amazing guide. I will not be reluctant to propose the blog to any person who needs and wants counselling on this matter.

  10. Hello very cool site!! Guy .. Excellent .. Wonderful ..
    I will bookmark your website and take the feeds additionally?
    I am satisfied to search out so many useful information here within the
    put up, we need develop more techniques on this regard, thanks for sharing.
    . . . . .

  11. I really like what you guys tend to be up too.
    This kind of clever work and reporting! Keep up the excellent works guys I’ve added you guys
    to my blogroll.

  12. That is a really amazing powerful resource that you’re offering and you just provide it away cost-free!! I that can compare with discovering websites which comprehend the particular valuation on providing you with fantastic learning resource for zero cost. We truly dearly loved examining this web site. Have fun here!

  13. Why users still make use of to read news papers when in this
    technological globe everything is available on net?

  14. With havin so much written content do you ever run into
    any issues of plagorism or copyright violation? My website has a lot of
    exclusive content I’ve either authored myself or outsourced but it
    appears a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without
    my agreement. Do you know any methods to help reduce content from being stolen? I’d really appreciate

  15. What a information of un-ambiguity and preserveness of valuable knowledge about unexpected emotions.

  16. I simply couldn’t go away your site before
    suggesting that I actually enjoyed the standard info a person provide on your
    visitors? Is going to be again ceaselessly in order to check out new posts

  17. Hi it’s me, I am also visiting this site on a regular basis,
    this site is in fact good and the viewers are actually
    sharing pleasant thoughts.

  18. Hello! Would you mind if I share your blog with my myspace group?
    There’s a lot of folks that I think would really enjoy your
    content. Please let me know. Cheers

  19. Its like you read my mind! You appear to know a
    lot about this, like you wrote the book in it or something.
    I think that you can do with a few pics to drive the message home
    a little bit, but other than that, this is fantastic blog.
    A great read. I’ll definitely be back.

  20. I know this site gives quality dependent posts
    and additional material, is there any other site which gives such information in quality?

  21. Pretty nice post. I simply stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to say that I’ve truly enjoyed
    surfing around your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing in your rss
    feed and I hope you write once more very soon!

  22. Wow, fantastic blog layout! How long have you been blogging for?
    you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your web site is great, as well
    as the content!

  23. Hi, just wanted to say, I enjoyed this blog post. It was helpful.
    Keep on posting!

  24. What’s up mates, its enormous piece of writing concerning teachingand entirely explained, keep
    it up all the time.

  25. Hi there are using WordPress for your blog platform?
    I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get
    started and set up my own. Do you need any html coding knowledge to make
    your own blog? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  26. Heya i am for the first time here. I found this board and I
    to find It truly useful & it helped me out much. I am hoping
    to provide one thing again and aid others like you
    helped me.

  27. Hello! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading through
    this post reminds me of my old room mate! He always kept chatting
    about this. I will forward this page to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read.

    Many thanks for sharing!

  28. all the time i used to read smaller articles that
    as well clear their motive, and that is also happening with this article which I am reading at this time.

  29. I think the admin of this web page is in fact working hard in support
    of his web page, since here every stuff is quality based information.

  30. Where Is The Best Place To Buy Viagara [url= ]cialis[/url] Pfizer Viagra Sales
    Nolvadex 20mg Viagra Generico Farmacia Andorra
    Buy Cialis Amazon 139 buy cialis Special Care Pharmacy Puerto Rico

  31. I know this website offers quality based posts and additional stuff,
    is there any other website which presents these kinds of information in quality?

  32. Greetings! Very useful advice in this particular post!
    It is the little changes that make the largest changes.
    Many thanks for sharing!

  33. Good post. I will be experiencing a few of these issues as well..

  34. Hey there! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any issues with hackers?

    My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing several
    weeks of hard work due to no data backup. Do you have
    any methods to protect against hackers?

  35. Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I genuinely enjoyed reading it, you could be a
    great author.I will make sure to bookmark your blog and will come back later in life.
    I want to encourage you to continue your great writing, have a
    nice holiday weekend!

  36. Generally I do not read article on blogs, however I would like to say that this write-up very compelled me to try and do it!
    Your writing taste has been surprised me. Thanks, quite great article.

  37. Where I Can Buy Fast Flagyl And Fedex No Prescription Fluoxetine [url= ]cialis[/url] Can I Purchase Levaquin Amoxicillin 500 Clav K 125 Mg Sale Secure Dutasteride Ups Express Delivery With Free Shipping Tameside

  38. Thank you a lot for sharing this with all folks you
    actually understand what you’re speaking approximately!
    Bookmarked. Please additionally seek advice from my website
    =). We could have a hyperlink change arrangement
    among us

  39. Great beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your site, how could i subscribe for a blog website?
    The account aided me a acceptable deal. I had
    been a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided bright clear

  40. Wow, incredible weblog layout! How long have you
    been blogging for? you made running a blog look easy. The overall glance of your site is great, let alone the content!

  41. Appreciation to my father who shared with me
    concerning this web site, this weblog is actually remarkable.

  42. I’m really enjoying the design and layout of your blog.
    It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more pleasant for
    me to come here and visit more often. Did you hire
    out a designer to create your theme? Fantastic work!

  43. You could certainly see your skills in the article you write.
    The arena hopes for more passionate writers such
    as you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. All the time
    follow your heart.

  44. I was very pleased to find this web site. I want to
    to thank you for ones time due to this wonderful read!!

    I definitely loved every part of it and I have you
    book-marked to see new things on your website.

  45. Hello, i think that i saw you visited my web site so i came
    to “return the favor”.I am attempting to find things to enhance my
    web site!I suppose its ok to use some of your ideas!!

  46. It’s perfect time to make a few plans for the future and it’s time
    to be happy. I have read this put up and if I could I wish to suggest
    you some fascinating things or tips. Perhaps you could write subsequent articles relating to this
    article. I wish to read even more issues about it!

  47. magnificent post, very informative. I’m wondering why the other
    experts of this sector don’t notice this.
    You must continue your writing. I am sure, you have a huge
    readers’ base already!

  48. Buy Amoxicillin Online Usa Viagra Ou Cialis Quel Est Le Meilleur Cialis Puo Dare Dipendenza [url= ]cialis buy online[/url] Generisches Priligy Kaufen Priligy Quand Prendre

  49. Its like you read my mind! You seem to know so much about this, like you
    wrote the book in it or something. I think that you could do with a
    few pics to drive the message home a bit, but other than that, this is magnificent blog.
    An excellent read. I will certainly be back.

  50. I am extremely inspired together with your writing skills and also with the format in your blog.
    Is this a paid subject matter or did you customize it yourself?
    Either way stay up the nice high quality writing, it’s uncommon to see a nice weblog like this one
    these days..

  51. Good blog post. I certainly appreciate this website.
    Continue the good work!

  52. Cialis Absetzen Best Retail Pharmacy Viagra Price [url=]viagra[/url] Generic Prednisone Without A Script

  53. Good day! This is kind of off topic but I need some
    help from an established blog. Is it hard to set up your own blog?
    I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast.
    I’m thinking about making my own but I’m not sure where to start.
    Do you have any tips or suggestions? Thanks

  54. I don’t even understand how I ended up right here, but
    I believed this submit was great. I do not realize who you’re but definitely you’re going
    to a famous blogger if you happen to are not already.


  55. What’s up to every body, it’s my first visit of this website; this weblog includes remarkable and truly excellent stuff for visitors.

  56. Hi would you mind stating which blog platform you’re working with?
    I’m planning to start my own blog in the near
    future but I’m having a hard time selecting between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and
    Drupal. The reason I ask is because your layout seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for
    something completely unique.
    P.S My apologies for being off-topic but I had to ask!

  57. I read this article fully concerning the difference of hottest and preceding technologies, it’s remarkable article.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


Scroll Up.wpzoom (color:black;}