Niagara Reporter
Aries: (March 21 – April 19):
Well . . .” begins your mother as she attempts to answer your question, amid fuzzy memories of a balmy night in Cuba, several empty bottles of pineapple rum lying around the bed she had shared with the Captain accompanied by the worst headache she could remember, “I wouldn’t use the word ‘accident.”…. Mon. Am: Start taking non-drowsy antihistamines and change your name to Brian.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):
Your personality is like chocolate – not the smoky, tangy, exquisitely rich and full-bodied type, but the over-sweet, tooth-cracking, factory-processed, made-with-vegetable-oil kind that leaves one with diabetes and an aneurysm the size of a grape. “I’m nothing without you,” your lover tells you, which is true on many levels, but primarily because your lover is an imaginary friend.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):
You are a stolid person, prone to excessive and extended bursts of emotionlessness; but when you love, you love with the passion of a dog itching its face against the grain of a firm pile carpet. Weds: You think of your ex and smile–with any luck the tide will carry her body out to deeper water by nightfall.
Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):
You kiss not in a lingering manner as a connoisseur might sip a glass of ‘82 La Pin, but open-mouthed and desperate, like a hobo wrapping his mouth around a bottle of Strawberry Ripple in the alley behind the 7-11. Life on the home front has never been more serene since you left.
Leo: (July 23 – August 22):
You are like a well-watered topiary: lush, widespread, and in need of a good pruning. You and your lovers’ lips latch to each other like two coital snails entwined, with much slime and suction, frothing as if someone had just poured salt on them. Beware of arguments at home boiling over and dividing the house as food levels run low. Wed. PM: Supervisor notices embroidered bathroom curtains missing.
Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):
Chiron in retrograde signals fame when your record low IQ test score is used to prove accuracy of IQ testing and couples your name forever with landmark study. A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which inexorably leads to his suicide three days later. You excel at social events. Sun AM: Good time to buy breath mints wholesale.
Libra: (September 23 – October 22):
Your new lovers’ passionate kisses will send a warm shiver down your tender spine and make the coarse hair on your knuckles erect. You are unable to select a bedspread, due to your raging ennui; however, you are able to purchase an assault rifle, which is probably why your lover left you, although it may have been the ferrets.
Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):
Five week old puppy arrives at doorstep. You feed, nurture and get veterinary care. In return, it gives you unconditional love until it dies three days later. Mars in 8th house prompts boring discussion. Your reference to boss’ wife as “deer face” make boss question your powers of observation since he calls her “mule face.” Go to Las Vegas and drink smoothies.
Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):
As he caresses your hair, cheek, forehead, chin, collarbone, shoulder, upper arm, and stomach, you realize that your decision to take Octoman as a lover is the correct one. The stars indicate you will find a young, vibrant, attractive person, with similar interests, a fun, laughing, outgoing person who loves the outdoors, who is allergic to you. A person more repulsive than you will become an avid admirer.
Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):
It will be debatable what you will enjoy most about Friday night – the delicious dinner, the marvelous movie, or the satisfying sex – but one thing is clear and that is that you hope you won’t be doing it alone again next time. Weds.: Venus creates joy with cute Capricorn. Your resolve to wait until you are married is very creditable.
Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):
Your mother died when you were nine, your father when you were twelve, which left you somewhat cold, and hardened and unable to love, though you are partial to Nando’s Portuguese style prawns. Neptune semi-square with Pluto offers romance with a sporting twist. You will fall in love with someone whose head is like a football.
Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):
You look like a pizza that relies more on the quality of the sauce than the amount of cheese. Every once in a while you feel the inconceivable, unintelligible force of loneliness come down from the far reaches of the cold, dark universe and crush you in a manner that leaves you pondering the significance of your sad, meandering existence in the face of this meaningless mass of nothing we call life, but not today, because today is Taco Tuesday.
