It’s in the Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope: June 30 – July 6

Zodiac

Aries: (March 21 – April 19):

You have a way with the opposite sex that is at first endearing, then gradually engenders caution and finally outright rejection, like potato salad at a summer picnic. Losing weight will make you look slimmer. Tues. AM: Make appointment with plastic surgeon.

Zodiac

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20):

The patterns of our lives, like the weave of an oriental rug, the tans and reds, the thin silken threads, the thick woolen yarns, the cross weaves or the double hooks, and, yes, even the berber loops that are really out of style these days, sure are hard to figure sometimes. You may start complaining about second hand smoke the minute you shed the extra 200 pounds.

Zodiac

Gemini: (May 21 – June 20):

Sitting under the hair dryer at The Curl & Go and thumbing through a Victoria’s Secret catalogue, you will feel a shudder and a fleeting moment of commiseration when you see those tiny thongs the models are sporting in the name of underwear because, as it happens, your own butt cheeks tend to gobble up your Fruit of the Loom For Mature Women white cotton panties like a pair of starving wolverines fighting over a flatfish. Learn to play the harmonica.

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):

Fri. pm: When a slinky redhead slinks into the throbbing, strobe-lit nightclub, your eyes fasten on her the way a toilet plunger will fasten onto a hard surface if you shove it down just right, but her returning glance, while smoldering, will be actually more caustic and burn your tender ego the way liquid Drano can burn your hand if you spill some on it. “Headlice!” is a word that will have new meaning for you.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22):

You will deeply regret bringing your own equipment to the company’s annual croquet tournament your fingerprints will be found on the “blunt instrument” that caused the fatal depression in your boss’s skull. Starvation becomes a health hazard for you.

Virgo: (August 23 – September 22):

For insights into your life study the account of the annihilation of Sodom and Gomorrah, and the transformational moment when Lot’s wife was miraculously turned into a pillar of salt. Financial institution adds “fees” to your accounts. Wed. AM: Brush your tongue.

 

Libra: (September 23 – October 22):

It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select your new spouse.  Using deodorant may be a good idea. Wed. The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today. You become a prostitute in order to make extra money but wind up flat on your back. Tues: Face lift indicated. The only place you’ll ever find “success” is in a book they call Websters.

Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21):

By all accounts, the medical procedure for reducing the size of your ample derriere is relatively safe but – and it is a big ’but’ – you understand there is always an inherent risk involving any surgery. Schizophrenia is a word that you could not define but curiously defines you.

Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21):

Certain misgivings about being stranded aboard a life raft, facing the unrelenting hunger and the possibility of having to eat the weaker members of the crew just to eke out the chance of survival for a few more days haunts you this week. Get professional help. Sun. AM: You will have trouble talking on your cell phone because of a distraction in the room and a bad connection. Wait until after the sermon and call back from outside.

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19):

Expulsion from the Reno Holiday Inn without the concomitant expulsion from the safe of your wallet and passport is likely this week. Increase your dosage to 500 milligrams of Prozac a day. Sun. A talk show that you overhear today is likely to concern principles on which you must base your entire life.

Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18):

You are damaged goods and I don’t mean lightly scratched and dented goods that a reputable merchant like Home Depot might offer in a clearly marked end display sale.You are like the kind of flashy trashy plastic knockoff that always carries a child-choking hazard that no self-respecting 11-year-old Chinese sweat shop kids would ever call theirs. You will find that some astrological advice you read this week will be misleading and potentially cost you a lot of money.

 

Pisces: (February 19 – March 20):

Your blood is toxin free, if not particularly appetizing. Weds: You will meet a socially awkward proctologist. Thurs: Impress co-workers by saying in a low voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.” “What’s a nice person like you doing with a face like that?” is a question that will be to you many, many times in your life. Fri. am: Do not drink poison. Sat pm: Attractive person with delicious smile, flattering tongue and moist eyes, who neighbors suspect of being a cannibal asks you to spend the night alone with you. Smoke plenty of pot.

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