So Andrew Cuomo is likely to run for President, and Mayor Dyster, being the governor’s finest poop boy since he got elected, may go along for the ride to Washington, DC riding on Gov. Cuomo’s coattails. And a fitting tag-a-long he is, too! With a resume rife with accomplishment during the years he served as mayor of Niagara Falls, just think what our man in Washington could do for the entire country.
As a refresher, here are some of Mayor Paul Dyster’s most noteworthy accomplishments, and suggested positions he’s eligible for.
- Mayor Dyster didn’t complain or utter a squeak when Gov. Cuomo fumbled away casino revenue.
In return, Mayor Dyster got a lot of advantages… visits from the Governor every time a ribbon is cut on a new box hotel downtown… and promises of a big promotion once Andrew Cuomo advances into the White House?
So we matched the man’s accomplishments to his anticipated reward from President Cuomo, and came up with the following:
OUR MAN IN WASHINGTON, HE’S NUMBER 1:
Mayor Dyster has achieved #1 in the state in the following category:
Highest Crime Rate in Upstate NY— Most Fitting Position: Assistant to the Attorney General
The FBI has labeled the City of Niagara Falls the most violent city in upstate New York with a population over 30,000, beating Buffalo, at #3. Niagara Falls earned a chart-topping score of 1938 (using an FBI crime-scoring formula), with 555 violent crimes and 2526 property crimes. This is most impressive for a city with a population of 48,989. In fact, last year, Niagara Falls only ranked number 2 on the list. In 2017, the City is second banana to no one.
Unemployment highest in the state— Most Fitting Position: Secretary of Labor
The unemployment figure for June, 2017 (the latest month available) for the city of Niagara Falls was a whopping 7.7%, by far the highest of any city with population above 25,000 in all of New York State, according to the state Department of Labor. How does a city next to a world-famous tourist attraction, actually sharing its name, have such a high rate of joblessness? Again, Mayor Dyster has made Niagara Falls numero uno.
Highest taxes— Most fitting position: IRS Commissioner
When measuring median salary to property tax ratios, Niagara Falls takes the cake, with median property taxes at the near highest per capita rates in the nation.
Fastest shrinking city population in the state— Most fitting position: Secretary of HUD
In 2014, the US Census Bureau estimated that Erie County grew by 944 people, while Niagara County dropped by 596 people – most of them fleeing the City of Niagara Falls…
Aside from his No. 1 hits, Mayor Dyster’s other greatest hits include:
MAYOR DYSTER’S GREAT NOSE FOR PROMOTION—Most fitting position: Assistant Press Secretary to Anthony Scaramucci.
Being a natural-born visionary, with a flair for promotion, but also employing a conservative resolve when he feels it appropriate. Case in point, Mayor Dyster opposed Nik Wallanda’s internationally televised walk across the Horseshoe Falls because he believed such a stunt would take away from the Falls’ elegance and beauty, that Mr. Wallenda might inspire untrained amateurs to cross the Falls, and the possibility of lawsuits by Mr. Wallenda competitors who were not approved to cross the falls. Notwithstanding Mayor Dyster’s reservations, tens of thousands gathered on the American side, and 120,000 on the Canadian side to watch Mr. Wallenda cross the Falls. ABC, the network that filmed the event, claimed viewership of the stunt reached 16 million. Later, the mayor sent Mr. Wallenda a bill for $25,151.31. Mayor Dyster was quite bitter toward Mr. Wallenda. On the other hand, the mayor gladly spent $14,000 of taxpayer money to hold his own wire walk event – something very few people knew about.
Good with veterans on Memorial Day— Most fitting position: Veterans Administration Secretary
In 2010, Mayor Dyster went to meet another great and bright man from afar, preferring his company to a group of lowly Niagara Falls veterans. The mayor had appeared in the Memorial Day Parade, but when it came time to sit through the groundbreaking ceremony for the new Veterans Memorial, the mayor suddenly had to leave. He missed the playing of the National Anthem, the 21-gun salute and the bandstand speeches of proud veterans. He missed the dedication.
But he had a good reason: Affairs of state were calling. After visiting the Japanese Garden in Delaware Park and meeting officials in Buffalo and Erie County, Ambassador Shinichi Nishimiya of Japan decided to take in Niagara Falls. His assistants reached out to our upwardly mobile mayor, who had been expected to stay for the dedication ceremony. But it is not every day you can meet the ambassador of Japan. Mayor Dyster excused himself and hurriedly left to meet Nishimiya.
Dovetailed his beer abilities with the NACC beer thing— Most fitting position: Surgeon General
Using public money to promote both alcohol consumption and Mayor Dyster’s private business, the Tonawanda-located “Niagara Tradition,” a home-brewing store, the Art of Beer festival manages to do both.
Additionally, as a point of note, Mayor Dyster has only created one historic district during his time as Mayor of Niagara Falls: on his street! (Note: an Historic District designation confers the benefit of property tax exemption. Great news for the owners of those properties).
MAYOR DYSTER’S SPECIAL SKILLS
Arms negotiations with the Soviet Union? Most fitting position: Secretary of State
On his Facebook page, Mayor Dyster claims to have been an arms negotiator for the State Department, and negotiated with the Soviet Union. However, his designation according to the state handbook, was working in the commissary, probably serving donuts, coffee, hamburgers and beer, etc. Perhaps this would qualify him for Secretary of Vending?
Supported the paying-people-to-live here program: Most fitting position: Office of Management and Budget Director.
Mayor Dyster backed a Downtown Housing Incentive Program introduced by his protégé, Seth Piccirillo. The program was a federally-funded, social engineering program that would pay college grads to relocate to targeted areas of the city. Although Mayor Dyster and Mr. Piccirillo had anticipated the program would attract 100 to 150 college grads to the Falls, ultimately, only five people moved in, and then moved out. They took the money and ran.
Rumor has it he was thinking of creating a new program to pay people to live on Orchard Parkway.