Niagara ReporterMayor Dyster was thinking of new strategies to increase revenues for his cash-strapped city, and came up with the brilliant idea of becoming a Tom Jones impersonator. Tom Jones was a popular singer back in the 1960’s and ’70’s.
“Is it common for a government official to do such a thing?” asked his secretary.
The mayor replied, “It’s not Unusual.”
***
Mayor Dyster was unhappy with the lack of train service since his new Niagara Falls International Railway Station and Transportation Center opened, since it was down to only one train per day, and called up Amtrak to complain. He asked the Amtrak executive when the new high speed rail line was going to be built for Niagara Falls like they have in Germany and France.
“Eurostar?” asked the Amtrak official.
“That’s beside the point,” said Dyster, “When are you going to increase service here?”
***
The male sea lion male gorilla at the Niagara Falls Aquarium was seriously ill and the female sea lion was going crazy without having a suitable mate. The Aquarium was looking for somebody to replace the male sea lion and were willing to pay up to $5,000.
So Mayor Dyster went to his assistant Seth Piccirillo and told him about the arrangement, and would Piccirillo possibly be interested?
“It sounds like a good opportunity,” said Piccirillo, “But where I am going to get $5,000?”
***
“Why, the Niagara Greenway, of course!” exclaimed Mayor Dyster.
***
With large budget shortfalls looming, Mayor Dyster arrived at City Hall one day determined to get rid of all the people who weren’t working as hard as they should.
As he walked through the hallway he saw a man leaning against the wall doing nothing. So the Dyster walked up to him and asked, “How much do you get paid a week?” The man replied, “$500.” So the mayor said, “Here’s $500. Now don’t come back.”
After he left, Dyster asked Tom DeSantis, “What was that man’s job?”
“He’s the pizza delivery guy.”
***
“Due to worsening lake effect snowstorm conditions,” said the City Hall memo, “all non-essential personnel may leave early.”
By noon, City Hall was empty.
***
The year was 2018, and Mayor Dyster sent out a letter laying off dozens of City Hall workers.
The letter said, “Thank you for your service, and for participating in my WRI (Workforce Reduction Initiative) to save the city money. Your cooperation is saving the city $3 million.
“In order to maximize the dollar return of this lay-off action, we are confiscating all the personal effects in your office and desk, and selling them on Ebay.
“The good news is, however, that as a valued former employee, you will be given the opportunity to purchase them back at a 2% discount.”
