Horoscopes – by Jean Topascani

Aries: (March 21 – April 19)

Venus 18°23’14 in 7th. Marry first person you meet, regardless of gender, who is less intelligent than you. Stars aid you in becoming less boring. Your business clothes will have a neater, cleaner, shinier appearance if you stop sleeping in them. AM: Don’t smoke marijuana while operating weed whacker.

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20)

Mars/Taurus 3°35’59 Juicy romance ahead. Not for you but for characters in “The Handsome farmhand’s secret,” a Harlequin Romance book you will read. Stars wish to teach ancient truth: the more you complain, the longer God lets you live. Wed. AM: Consider changing socks.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 20)

2°50’56 in 10th house. Greet people with a firm but warm handshake and ask them to call you “Admiral.” Show superiority after fire erupts at home. Call 911. When dispatcher asks “How do we get to your house?,” answer calmly, “In a big red truck, dummy!” Tues. AM: Meeting with pulsating Pisces proves you have something in common: the same parole officer.

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22)

Neptune/Aries 3°35’59 in 8th. Gee, for a fat person you don’t sweat much. Libra divorce lawyer secretly dating spouse. Buy pet scorpion and remember it needs plenty of fondling, caresses and affection. Sat. PM: Prepare for nuclear annihilation. Sunday PM: Test all food for poison.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22)

Mars in 8th. “You’re ugly but you intrigue me,” is a pick up line you will hear many, many times this week. To make others notice your intelligence, finish all sentences this week with “In accordance with the prophecy.” Good news: Halitosis improves. Safely move within 16 feet when speaking to people.

Virgo: (August 23 – September 22)

Saturn/Leo 27°03’32 in 7th. Show interest in others. At Denny’s when you notice bosomy waitress’s name tag on her blouse, say, ‘’Gee, that’s nice. What did you name the other one?’’ Bad hygiene interrupts chance at quick monetary gain when partner hides cash under soap. Early AM: Use this pick up line for a chance at romance: “I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.”

Libra: (September 23 – October 22)

Pluto 3°39’22 in 6thA visit to the zoo turns tragic. The last thing you will hear before losing consciousness is, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!” Pisces in ascendant suggest bathing regularly will end long period of dateless nights and jobless days. Don’t inhale. Not marijuana, but air. Sun. PM. :Catch up on overdue phone calls and correspondence.

Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21)

True Node Taurus 18°29’54 in 1st. “Has anybody ever told you, you look like Elton John?” is a question you will hear this week. Paranoia strikes deep.

Wed. PM: Do Tai Chi exercises. Thurs AM: Keep an ear out for someone with an interesting accent.

Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21)

Moon 17°47’44 in 4th house. Play harmonica at Buffalo Bills game using code blows for various plays to amuse fans. You impress higher ups when asked the difference between you and a bucket of manure when you answer “what kind of bucket?” Saturday PM: Somehow the boil on your backside seems more important than news about 20 earthquakes in China.

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19)

Retrograde Scorpio in 6th. You are a calculated and methodical backstabber. Late in the week you learn co workers have secret code name for you: “Pinocchio.” Mon. AM: Impromptu meeting with attractive Aries proves something exciting: you both have the same fat pants. Tues. AM: Poison Ivy figures in woodland romp with lover.

Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18)

Mercury/Pluto in 12th house: This week, you come across in business and personal communications as a persuasive and charming moron. Limit pot smoking to one pound per week. Tues. AM: Friend’s suicide note turns out to be hoax. Conceal disappointment.

Pisces: (February 19 – March 20)

Pluto/Scorpio 3°35’59 in 11th house. Laziness hurts chances at quick cash as partner hides money in safest place—inside your work shoes. The funny thing about next Monday won’t seem funny to you.

Mon. AM: Go to toy store and ask for Mr. Gepetto. PM: Dark haired bearded waiter with hairy arms, hands and chest serves you steak with a garnish of unusually dry, black vermicelli.

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