TURKEY CARCASSES ABOUND FOR CELEBRITIES, JOCKS AND POLITICIANS
By Frank Thomas Croisdale
In honor of the just past holiday -- whereby we gather around the table
eating the feast of feasts and spend the rest of the afternoon unloosening
our belts and lamenting the fact that John Madden is no longer a part of
Turkey Day football -- we now pause to hand out the second-annual Croisdale
"Turkey Carcass" Awards.
The criteria for winning a "Turkey Carcass" is simple -- just publicly
embarrass oneself with behavior that is either criminal or blatantly
outlandish. Winners will be presented with a nearly picked clean
Thanksgiving turkey, much like the one that is probably taking up roost in
your refrigerator right now.
Hollywood celebrities
- Second runner-up -- Jennifer Lopez. J-Lo announces plans to wed Hollywood
hunk Ben Affleck -- her third marriage in the last four years. Rumor has it
even Liz Taylor was shocked.
- First runner-up -- Winona Ryder. Diminutive actress caught shoplifting
clothing from Saks Fifth Avenue. The $5,500 price tag seems like chump
change compared to what Winona makes per picture. Guess her terrible turn in
"Mr. Deeds" skewed her sense of right and wrong.
- The Carcass goes to ... Michael Jackson.
For the second year in a row, the King of Pop takes home the Carcass. First
he had the audacity to claim that he was the victim of racism -- this from a
man who is now officially whiter than a snowman in a milk bath. Jacko earned
the award, however, when he dangled his baby son -- Prince Michael II --
precariously from the fourth-floor balcony of a German hotel. MJ's turned
out to be even creepier than the zombie he played in the "Thriller" video.
World leaders
- Second runner-up -- Aliyu Abubakar Sanyinna, Attorney General of Sokoto
State, Nigeria. Speaking to the issue of stoning deaths of women who commit
adultery, he said, "It is the law of Allah. We are just complying with the
laws of Allah, so we don't have anything to worry about."
- First runner-up -- Osama bin Laden. The cave dweller remains on the lamb
but shows the heart of an insane lion on audiotape, where he continues to
call for the fall of the United States of America.
- The Carcass goes to ... the Democratic Party. The Dems take politics to a
new low by turning the memorial service for the late Sen. Paul Wellstone
into a pre-election commercial. They pay for it by getting fleeced at the
polls and giving the Republicans the first Troika -- a solidly Republican
White House, House of Representatives and Senate -- since 1954. Right now,
they truly resemble the party symbol.
Sports figures
- Second runner-up -- Taver Johnson and Jon Wauford, University of Miami
(Ohio) assistant football coaches. This dynamic duo set a woeful example for
student athletes after last second loss to Marshall University on Nov. 12.
Johnson destroys the coaches' box, while Wauford decks a Marshall alum on
the post-game field. I think anger management classes are in their immediate
future.
- First runner-up -- Miles Dabord. Dabord was suspected of killing his
brother, former Detroit Piston basketball star Bison Dele, Dele's girlfriend
and another man aboard a boat that Dele had commissioned to sail along the
coast of Tahiti.
Dabord died Sept. 27 from an apparent insulin overdose and the deaths
officially remain unsolved.
- The Carcass goes to ... Chris Harn, Derrick Davis and Glen DaSilva, soon
to be felons. The three former college fraternity brothers cooked up a
scheme to get rich by past-posting -- illegally betting the races once they
were completed -- the pick-six races at the Breeder's Cup in thoroughbred
horse racing. The three had already scammed OTB for more than $200,000 when
they got greedy and tried to cash in for more than $3 million on the
Breeder's Cup sting. Here's a bet for you to try fellas: It says here that
you're about to get really adept at playing the game "House," only you won't
be the daddy.
Corporations
- Second runner-up -- Carbide Graphite
Corporate headquarters pulls the plug on its Niagara Falls plant and puts
200 workers, many of them multi-decade employees, on the unemployment line.
- First runner-up -- Martha Stewart Inc. The down-home girl does a little
insider trading on some ImClone stock and may be looking at jail time as a
result. The aftermath is that her own company's stock is falling faster than
Mr. Carlson's turkeys out of the WKRP traffic chopper and that's not "a good
thing."
- The Carcass goes to ... Adelphia Cable. John Rigas and sons use the local
cable company as their own personal piggy bank. Federal authorities say the
money misappropriated by the Rigas may be near the $1-billion mark. What's
worse is that the dirty dealing almost cost Buffalo the Sabres and certainly
cost Adelphia subscribers their bonus points for catalog shopping. Satellite
dish service is killing cable companies all across America, but the Rigas
family did it all by themselves in Western New York.
Local turkeys
- Second runner-up -- Gov. George Pataki. OK, so he's technically not local
and he never will be after he pledged $30 million to keep Children's
Hospital open and then backed out of the pledge one day after being
re-elected.
- First runner-up -- Bridge Commissioner Joel Cicero. Cicero is accused of
using his position as an appointed bridge commissioner to try to force
developer Joe Aragon to use Local 91 members on a Lewiston Queenston Bridge
job site. Cicero just happens to be the husband of Local 91 secretary Cheryl
Cicero and the son-in-law of deposed Local 91 leader Michael "Butch"
Quarcini. If the charges prove to be true, it only adds to the year of woe
experienced by the once-proud local union.
- The carcass goes to ... Niagara Falls Mayor Irene Elia. It was a year to
forget for Herrhonor. First, she called a proposed miniature golf course
"Disneyesque," then she was accused of illegally blowing past a stopped
school bus in her car -- not once but twice. It was her quashing of the
proposed city charter revision and cuts to the city's fire and police staffs
that really drew the public's ire, however. If she doesn't rebound early in
2003, those bumper stickers just may become prophetic -- it may well be
"Goodnight, Irene."
Congratulations to all of this year's award winners. We raise a wishbone in
your honor and, clutching the big piece, wish all of you a future lived in
total obscurity. I'll eat to that.
Frank Thomas Croisdale has been a freelance writer for 17 years and is actively involved in the Niagara Falls tourism industry. He lives in Niagara Falls. He can be reached at
NFReporter@aol.com.
Niagara Falls Reporter |
www.niagarafallsreporter.com |
December 3 2002 |