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It has been said that everything is for sale in America and nowhere is that statement more true than on eBay, online's trading and selling community.
For anyone who surfs the Internet, eBay needs no explanation. For those of you holed up in a log cabin, reading Ted Kaczynski's memoirs, who think that the only Dell in the world has a farmer in it -- here's a simple introduction. EBay is basically an online flea market. People post a description and picture of an item they want to sell and a timed (usually seven days) auction begins. Once an opening bid has been placed, each subsequent bid must top the previous one by a minimum of 50 cents. If you are the winning bidder, you send the seller a money order or provide your credit card for payment. The seller then sends you the item and you do with it as you please.
The items up for auction on eBay are broken down into many categories. Groupings like Antiques, Collectibles and Sports Memorabilia have ordinary, respectable inventories of items for sale.
If you truly want to prove the theory that everything is for sale in America, you need to peruse the category labeled "Weird Stuff." Here you'll find a collection of, well, weird stuff.
Here's a look at some of the weirdest of the weird that this reporter stumbled upon during a recent eBay excursion. These are all real items currently up for auction, so if something tickles your fancy, get to a computer and place your bid before time runs out.
Item #1717404308
Real Bat Taxidermy Fruit Bat Mount, Framed
Current Bid: $124.00.
This Cynopterus Brochyotis bat from Thailand is described as "beautifully mounted and extremely rare." The text states that the "teeth are large and the tongue looks great." That's a relief. There's no greater turn-off than a mounted bat with an ugly tongue. Want more enticement? How about this hard-to-resist closing line: "You can fill your house with our specimens and not smell anything." Boy, you probably can't even say that about most of your friends.
Item #171583625
Kangaroo Scrotum Purse Mate
Current Bid: $10.50.
An item no one should be without, including -- tragically -- the poor kangaroo that supplied it. This handy change pouch is made from an actual kangaroo's scrotum and is designed to carry your "pocket" change. The ad copy states that it's "imported directly from down under (in more ways than one)."
Item #1717529131
Naked Robot Monkey from Hell
Current Bid: $9.99.
The text says that this little primate is "manufactured by Satan (himself) in the bowels of hell."
Here's a little tip: This probably is not the right gift for a confirmation or Bar Mitzvah. But for that hard-to-buy-for person on his/her birthday, it just may be the tonic that the (witch) doctor ordered. As the text says, "What does he do? Nothing. He doesn't have to, he's the Naked Robot Monkey from Hell."
Item #1717471409
Bullet Holes! Who Shot My Car?
Current Bid: 99 cents.
Nothing spells fun quite like the look on Dad's face when he thinks his new car -- with the $400 a month lease payment -- has been involved in a drive-by shooting. These easy-to-remove decals come five to a pack and look just like the real thing. Perfect for the gangsta rapper wanna-be on your shopping list.
Item #1717644355
Moose Dropping Pen (Maine Made)
Current Bid: $9.95.
This working pen is made from the manure of Maine's state animal, the moose. The perfect gift for writers whose work stinks.
Item #1717653732
"I survived my Prenatal Crack Addiction" Baby Bib
Current Bid: $8.99.
Inventor Andrew D. Gore says that these handsomely embroidered bibs make the perfect baby shower gift. "I assure you that it's something the mother will not expect," says Gore.
Right, and I assure you that if you present this as a gift for a baby shower, you're going to need one yourself to soak up the blood, which will be flowing freely from the large crack in your forehead that the mother-to-be will place there.
Item #1714898694
"Can't Sleep -- Clowns will Eat Me" Fridge Magnet
Current Bid: $6.99.
I'm not sure what to make of this refrigerator magnet, which depicts a glaring clown along with the words listed above, but I think it's the perfect gift for your paranoid friends on acid.
Item #1716860857
Marijuana Plant "Fake" -- Looks Real (Gag Gift)
Current Bid: 99 cents.
This silk plant stands 14" tall and is guaranteed to fool even the most discerning marijuana smoker. Imagine the laughs: "Dude, I'm just not catching a buzz from this blunt, but I sure do feel silky smooth." I'm not sure if the seller caught the double entendre, but he states that the "pot is not included."
Item #1717108541
Ron Murphy's Handshake: Know the Thrill of It
Current Bid: $9.99.
The seller of this item, Mitch O'Connell, must have smoked a mega-load of the real version of the previous item. What O'Connell is selling is a phone conversation in which he describes in detail "the thrill of shaking Ron Murphy's hand."
Who is Ron Murphy, you may ask.
O'Connell -- who claims to be Murphy's good friend -- says that Murphy is the creator of the "Tor Love Betty" comic, which has sold 12,000 copies.
Not enough to convince you to want to be on the other end of the line with O'Connell?
He offers this thought as a means to entice your bid, "Just think of all of the things that Ron Murphy has done with his right hand."
As weird as these items are, you'll need to put the name "Niagara Falls" into the search box to find the truly weirdest item offered for sale on eBay.
Item #1086914999
Niagara Falls on New York Lottery Ticket, Rare
Current Bid: 50 cents.
The item is a losing 1992 scratch-off lottery ticket depicting the American Falls. Evidently, the ticket showing the Canadian Falls was cashed for a big prize. The seller missed out on the perfect tag line: Niagara Falls, N.Y. lost just about everything in its downtown in the 1990s.
Commemorate this historic fact by proudly displaying this large-time loser of a ticket in your home or office.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | April 2 2002 |