In honor of the just-passed holiday, when we eat hearty and ponder the mystery of how vegetarians carve their roasted tofu, we now pause to hand out the Fourth Annual Croisdale Turkey Carcass Awards.
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As always, the Turkey Carcass is awarded to those who have embarrassed themselves publicly with criminal or blatantly outlandish behavior.
The winners will be presented with a nearly picked-clean Thanksgiving turkey -- much like the one probably taking up roost in your refrigerator.
The first category: Hollywood celebrities.
Second Runner-up: Ashlee Simpson.
Jessica's little sister shoots singing career in foot by getting caught lip-synching on "Saturday Night Live." To make matters worse, she first blames her band, then acid reflux, for the embarrassing flub. Ashlee should disappear from the spotlight faster than you can say Milli Vanilli.
First Runner-up: Anna Nicole Smith.
I don't think that it was Trim-Spa the blonde sexpot was popping when she melted down in front of cameras at the American Music Awards. Anna Nicole reminds me of a line from an old Northern Pikes tune: "She ain't pretty, she just looks that way."
The Carcass goes to ... Michael Jackson.
The King of Pop retains a stranglehold on the Carcass even while his grip on reality continues to moonwalk away from him at warp speed. First, Jacko feuds with rapper Eminem when Slim Shady parodies him in a video, then he sinks to a new low by filing a lawsuit in an attempt to have mental competency exams given to a 14-year-old boy who has accused him of molestation.
What in the world ever happened to that sweet boy who made us cry by singing to a rat named Ben?
Our second category: World leaders.
Second Runner-up: Prince Charles.
The only straight man in the free world who didn't fall in love with Princess Diana gets in hot water by penning a memo saying that much of what is wrong in Britain can be traced to people's unrealistic dreams of rising above their station in life. It is too bad that the Prince of Wales thinks so little of his loyal subjects.
Thank goodness that Princes William and Harry inherited both their mother's looks and her compassion.
First Runner-up: Kim Jong Il of North Korea.
Madman leader continues to prey on the people of North Korea. Reports say as many as 200,000 citizens have been locked up for such crimes as improperly caring for photographs of Kim and his father and for singing South Korean pop songs.
Human rights workers also say he is committing infanticide against his own people by smothering newborns conceived outside the country because they are not "ethnically pure."
People have wondered whether the world would ever see another Hitler. They need wonder no more.
The Carcass goes to ... President Bush.
The president survived "Fahrenheit 9/11" and the Blue States to win another four years in the White House. Meanwhile, Westerners' heads are being lopped off with sickening regularity in Iraq and Afghanistan and our troops seem farther away from coming home than ever.
I'd probably feel better about the president if he uttered the name Osama once in a while. George Bush may have forgotten who bin Laden is, but I'll bet that the families of the Sept. 11 victims haven't.
The third category: Sports figures.
Second Runner-up: Cole Ford, ex-NFL kicker.
Cole who? Ford kicked for the Raiders and spent a nanosecond on the Bills roster in the late '90s. He made the list when he fired a gun at the residence of magicians Siegfried and Roy.
I considered giving Ford a mulligan when I read that his mother said he flipped out because he went off his meds. But really, after being mauled by a tiger, hasn't poor Roy been through enough?
First Runner-up: Ricky Williams, Miami Dolphins.
The man that Mike Ditka once gave up the entire New Orleans Saints draft for retired just days before the start of the season because he was having too much fun partying with rocker Lenny Kravitz and his bong. That and the fact that he had failed a third league-administered drug test and was looking at a four-game suspension. Once the Dolphins asked for their $8 million signing bonus back, Ricky had second thoughts and asked the NFL to reinstate him.
The only Dolphin happy about Ricky's saga is Mercury Morris. Now old Merc doesn't feel like such loser after all.
The Carcass goes to ... Ron Artest, Indiana Pacers.
First Artest asks for a month off during the season because he's tired from producing a rap album. Then the volatile one reacts to a Detroit Pistons fan throwing a plastic cup filled with ice at him from the stands by charging into the seats and pummeling a Harry Potter lookalike. The ensuing fracas was enough to make a courtside Bill Walton swear off hemp for a year.
NBA Commissioner David Stern suspended Artest for the remainder of the season. The suspension will cost Artest over $7 million in lost wages, but will free him up to recover from that grueling record production work.
Be careful what you ask for, Ron.
The next category: Corporations.
Second Runner-up: McDonald's.
The food giant always seems to make a run at a Carcass. This year they make the cut because of their response to the hit documentary "Super Size Me." Filmmaker Morgan Spurlock ate nowhere but under the golden arches for a month while his horrified doctors watched his health rapidly decline.
The house that Ronald built responded by adding healthy choices to their kids' meals, like juice and fruit slices. Nothing wrong with that. What's pathetic to the point of near-comedy is the commercial they put out, in which a father tells his son that they didn't have any choices for the Happy Meal when he was a kid.
"Why's that?" the kid asks.
"It's just the way it was," is a close approximation to the dad's response.
I guess the ad wizards thought it sounded better than, "Well, the government wasn't considering suing their Big Mac-peddling behinds for causing the country's obesity epidemic back then, that's why."
First Runner-up: Clear Channel Communications.
Entertainment conglomerate displays the height of hypocrisy by dropping Howard Stern and other shock jocks from their nationwide collection of radio stations in face of record government fines for indecency. The hypocrisy is not in standing up for morality, it is in doing so after you've made millions off the (sexually-charged) sweat equity of Stern.
Based on the signals they send, maybe their name should be changed to Opaque Channel.
The Carcass goes to ... Halliburton.
Defense contractor continues to profit from multi-billion dollar no-bid contract to provide civilian services in Iraq. Former Halliburton CEO and current U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney is laughing all the way to the bank.
Meanwhile, another family has just had three servicemen, a chaplain among them, ring the doorbell and tell them that their son is coming home in a box. Instead of "Taps" they should play a little Randy Newman for those families: "It's money that matters, hear what I say. / It's money that matters in the USA."
Our final category: Local turkeys.
Second Runner-up: Niagara Falls voters.
Normally, I would never think of criticizing anyone who might be a loyal reader of this fine newspaper, but the people of Niagara Falls really dropped the ball in the last election for City Council.
In less than one year on the job, Jimmy Stewart did more for this city than any 10 Council members have done in the past 20 years.
First, he brought a handful of Chinese investors to town, where they immediately committed to millions of dollars in investments in Third Street properties.
Next, he reached into his own pocket and reopened the city's only youth hostel. The hostel provides affordable housing for students and young people from around the globe visiting the Falls.
Lastly, Jimmy showed his mettle by backing the mayor on the golf course deal and falling on his sword when there was fallout from that decision.
For all of this, Stewart was defeated in the primary. I guess some of you have had the "same old, same old" so long you don't know a breath of fresh air when it hits you in the nostrils.
First Runner-up: Carl Paladino.
First the Queen City developer lets the old Niagara Office Building sit and grow mold and then he tries to intimidate us at the Reporter after we call him out on his neglect. I know we've gone over this many times, but once more for Carl's sake. The Reporter's motto is that we pledge "to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable." Amen.
The Carcass goes to ... Mayor Vince Anello.
The mayor's office retains the Carcass even with a change of the person in power. Mayor Anello has failed to keep any of his campaign promises to the good people of Niagara Falls. Under his watch, the city's taxes have risen and jobs have been lost while nepotism and cronyism reign supreme at City Hall.
The low moment for Vitriolic Vince was when he challenged the Reporter's own David Staba to a fight in a Third Street bar. Not all men can rise to meet the honor of the office they hold. Our mayor seems to be among this lot. At this rate, can it be long before people start covering up those "Goodnight, Irene" bumper stickers with ones that read "Arrivederci, Anello"?
Congratulations to all of this year's Turkey Carcass Award winners. We raise a wishbone in your honor and, clutching the big piece, wish all of you a future lived in total obscurity. I'll eat to that.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | Nov. 30 2004 |