Lost in the news shuffle this past week, amid the SARS scare in Toronto, Gen. Jay Garner (Ret.) beginning the task of installing a democracy in Iraq and the discovery of the bodies of Laci Peterson and her unborn child, was this nugget from the brilliant minds of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They formally requested that the town of Hamburg, N.Y., officially change its name to Veggieburg.
Seriously.
To sweeten the deal, PETA's Joe Haptas offered the Hamburg school district $15,000 worth of veggie burgers if the town were to make the name change. Thankfully, Town Supervisor Patrick Hoak told him there wasn't a turkey leg's chance in hell that the good people of Hamburg would ever consider making such a ridiculous name change.
A few years back, the citizens of Hamburg voted down a measure to paint the town's water tower to look like a giant hamburger. If I were Hoak, I'd reopen the water tower proposal just to drive home the point that the town won't offer itself as fodder for any future PETA publicity stunts.
Make no mistake about it, the offer to get the town to consider the name change was nothing more than a publicity stunt, and a bush league one at that.
Once upon a time, when I lacked the life experience to know any better, I was actually a card-carrying member of PETA. I first joined because I was disturbed over pictures of baby seals being clubbed to death and of innocent cats and dogs being used for cosmetics research. The more I read their literature, the more I became convinced that I needed to do even more for the cause of animal rights. So I gave up eating red meat. For nearly seven years, the only meat I ate was chicken. Initially, my plan was to eventually phase out the chicken, but I just couldn't bring myself to actually swallow a piece of tofu.
As I neared the seven-year mark, I came to a startling conclusion. I realized that if I ate even one more piece of chicken, I was apt to grab an AK-47, climb to the top of the nearest government building and open fire on the masses below, cursing Frank Perdue all the while.
I also realized that my nearly three-quarters of a decade-long red meat protest hadn't saved even one cow from execution. So I did something that I only regret I hadn't done sooner. I hopped into my car and made a beeline for the Press Box, where I sank my teeth into a grilled Pittsburger. I am happy to report that red meat and I have been the best of friends ever since.
Today, I enjoy a happy medium in balancing man's rights with animal welfare. I think the majority of Americans would agree with my stance. Of course I want to protect baby seals, manatees, bald eagles and any other animal in danger of abuse or extinction. I also eat a variety of meats and wear a jacket, shoes and belt made of leather. By the same token, I know more than a few vegetarians and respect their dietary choices. I could never bring myself to hunt an animal, but I don't wish to make the practice illegal for those who do. Hey, I'll even go so far as to say that I can watch the goriest of mob and slasher movies and sometimes delight in the offing of a particularly annoying character, but there will be hell to pay if a dog ever buys the farm on the silver screen while I'm in attendance at the movie theater.
The bottom line is that I still respect what PETA does for endangered animals, while at the same time being appalled at the ridiculousness of statements like the one made by Haptas last week.
My question to PETA is, why stop at Hamburg? If you actually believe that people will stop eating meat when it ceases to find its way into cultural references, then you've got a lot of work ahead, my friends.
In honor of my former membership in the organization, I've taken the liberty of putting together the following list of people, places and things which are worthy of receiving the $15,000 veggie burger offer.
Feel free to send any of your own suggestions for animal-threatening phrases that need to be amended to Joe Haptas in care of PETA's Web site at www.peta-online.org.
In the meantime, please join me in renaming PETA for what they've so shamelessly become: Publicly Embarrassing Tired Antics.
| Niagara Falls Reporter | www.niagarafallsreporter.com | April 29 2003 |