limo

Niagara Falls Jokes

March 2, 2017 Staff 0

Delaware North owner and billionaire Jeremy Jacobs was visiting his restaurants and food stands in Niagara Falls State Park when he decided to go for a drive through the city of Niagara Falls. He drove past a vacant lot where there was a small group of children who were eating the grass in the lot because they were so hungry.

Jacobs had his limo driver pull to the curb and he rolled down his window and asked a woman, who was watching over the children, “Why are they eating grass?” She told him that many people in the city of Niagara Falls were poor because all the tourists who come here every year eat in the state park instead of restaurants and diners in the city.

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unnamed

Niagara Falls Jokes

February 23, 2017 Reporter 0

Mayor Dyster was hosting a diversity training session when he heard one of the Hispanic attendees use the word “manana”. Dyster asked him to explain what “manana” meant.

He was told that the term means “Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?”

Somebody then asked the Mayor if he knew if there was an English equivalent word for “manana”, to which he replied, “No, I don’t think so. In Niagara Falls we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency.”

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dyster-beer

Niagara Falls Jokes

February 3, 2017 Staff 0

Niagara Falls Mayor Paul A. Dyster was relaxing one evening with some craft beers when he remembered he had neglected to let the dog back in from the cold evening. Beer in hand, the mayor walks out onto his porch, his foot hits a patch of ice and down he goes.

 Hitting his head, he momentarily blacked out, and when he came to, all up and down the front of his shirt and pants were wet. “Dear Lord!” he exclaimed, “Please let that be blood!” dyster-beer ***  Contest in a Niagara University English class: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery. Winner’s story: “Oh God, I’m pregnant, I wonder who did it.” *** Q: How was the Niagara Gorge created? A: Jimmy Glynn and Jeremy Jacobs were fighting over a penny.

***

A drunk staggers out of a Niagara Falls bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, “Dude, I’m Jesus Christ!” And the priest says, “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says, “No son, you’re not.” Finally, the drunk had enough and said, “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re back AGAIN?”

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hug cuomo2

Niagara Falls Jokes

January 26, 2017 Staff 0

Q: If you’re driving in the city of Niagara Falls and somebody on a bicycle swerves in front of you, why should you try your best not to hit him?

A: There’s a good chance it’s your bike.

***

A Niagara Falls man arrested for violently assaulting a librarian was sitting at the police station trying to explain his crime.

“All I wanted to do was apply for a library card,” he claimed, “and she told me that I have to prove that I’m a resident of Niagara Falls…”

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parking fail meter

Niagara Falls Jokes

January 19, 2017 Staff 0

When construction crews unearthed metal barrels while finishing up expansion or the south Moses Parkway traffic circle, Mayor Dyster dropped everything and rushed over there – he thought they might be kegs.

***

Two men are in a Niagara Falls bar. One says “A girl I met in Buffalo gave me a sexually transmitted disease.” His friend replies “You’re lucky. I’ve got Obamacare. I have to pay for it!”

***

The Niagara Falls City Council was concerned.

It’s been almost a year since the new parking meters were installed on the streets, and so far, the Dyster administration hasn’t reported any revenue from them whatsoever. So Council Chairman Charles Walker called up Mayor Dyster and asked him for an accounting.

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schneiderman-eric-365

Niagara Falls jokes

January 12, 2017 Staff 0

Shortly after the new year, Mayor Paul Dyster called in four employees for a meeting.

“Staff,” he said, “this really cuts me to the quick, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

The Black employee spoke up right away: “I’m a protected minority.”

Then the female employee chimed in: “And I’m a woman.”

Dyster’s oldest employee spoke up: “Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

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Theater Masks

Niagara Falls jokes

January 6, 2017 Staff 0
A recently-released research study by the University of Buffalo Medical School has reported that 80% of local government officials, such as the mayor, department heads and city council of Niagara Falls, are physically incapable of the simple act of licking their elbows. *** An MSNBC correspondent was interviewing a representative of the NRA and asked him what the organization believes important to teach young people. “Shooting, of course” was the reply. “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?” the female TV reporter asked, to which the NRA spokesman answered, “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range…” “But aren’t you equipping them to become violent killers?” persisted the shrill woman. “Well, Ma’am,” came the reply, “You’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?” *** A Niagara Falls City Councilman received the following text message one afternoon: “I have an apology to make.  For the last six months I have been riddled with guilt and I want to confess to you. There is no easy way to say this, but the truth is I have been helping myself to your wife when you were not at home. “When you would leave for city council meetings or be out conducting city business and I saw you weren’t home, I took those opportunities to hop on and use your wife.  I know there’s no excuse for my behavior, but I stopped getting it at home and I wanted it bad. I can’t live with this guilt any longer. I promise it won’t happen again.”Outraged and betrayed, the councilman hit the streets of Niagara Falls and within 5 minutes was able to procure a gun. He walked back to his house and, without a word, shot his wife multiple times.

Moments later the city councilman received another text from his neighbor which said: “I really need to start using spell check! That last text should have read ‘I have been using your ‘wifi’ – not your wife, Lol!'”

spray-paint-revenge *** The tribal wisdom of the Senecas, passed on from generation to generation, says that; “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.” However, in local Niagara Falls city government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
  1. Appointing a committee to study the horse
  2. Lowering standards so that dead horses are not disposed of
  3. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired
  4. Telling everyone that we’ve always ridden our horses this way
  5. Hiring contractors to resuscitate the dead horse
  6. Hiring outside consultants to put together a training program for support staff to work better with the dead horse
  7. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse’s performance
  8. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance
  9. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed , it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the city’s budget than do some other horses
  10. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

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xcats

Niagara Falls jokes

December 22, 2016 Staff 0

We were so poor when I was growing up that at Christmas time Dad used to suck a peppermint and we’d all sit round his tongue.

We were so poor when I was growing up that at Christmas time we couldn’t afford tinsel on the Christmas tree, so we’d just wheel old grand dad in and make the old coot sneeze.

We were so poor when I was growing up that at Christmas time we would get batteries with a note, “Toys not included”.

We were so poor when I was growing up that one Christmas Dad gave Mom a set of perfumes for Christmas called “Ample”. She couldn’t even tell that he had scraped off the “S”.

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grinch

Niagara Falls jokes

December 15, 2016 Staff 0

grinch

A tourist from “down south” was visiting Niagara Falls and saw a Nativity Scene in front of a local church. One small feature about the creche bothered her, however. She declared to her hosts that the three wise men should be wearing firemen’s helmets.

They were at a loss to understand why this southern woman would think this, and asked her to explain. She sputtered in exasperation, saying, “You Yankees never do read the bible!” They assured her that they did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the bible. She jerked her bible out from her purse and ruffled through some pages, jabbed her finger at a passage and declared, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.'”

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lionel

Niagara Falls jokes

December 7, 2016 Staff 0

According to the National Weather Service, the first lake effect snow event of the season will probably start today or tomorrow. Lake effect snowstorms have in the past dumped several feet of snow on the area. It’s been predicted that when this snowfall is finally over, everything’s going to be whiter than Lewiston!

***

Yo’ mama so stupid, she thought this week’s Blizzard was a new item at Dairy Queen!

***

Many years ago Paul Dyster as a little boy was sitting on Santa’s lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

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Theater Masks

Niagara Falls jokes

November 30, 2016 Staff 0

Theater Masks

Sign frequently seen at Delaware North concession stands: If our food, drinks or service aren’t up to your standards, please lower your standards.”

***

A tourist purchases a cup of coffee at the Cave of the Winds snack bar in Niagara Falls State Park, and complains to the worker behind the counter, “There’s a dead fly floating on top of my coffee!” The Delaware North employee replies, “No worries, it’s the hot coffee that kills them.”

***

A Health Inspector walks into Delaware North’s Top of the Falls restaurant overlooking the Falls and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The cook appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. As if the Health Inspector didn’t already have enough to cite the establishment fuel, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.

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Miss Marsha McWilson brings her elegance and style to Niagara Catholic for a benefit concert Sat. Dec. 10 at 6 pm.

Superb Holiday Concert at Niagara Catholic features Miss Marsha and Richie Derwald

November 25, 2016 Staff 0
High energy and with a voice that rocks the house, Miss Marsha puts on a scintillating show.
High energy and with a voice that rocks the house, Miss Marsha puts on a scintillating show.
Niagara Catholic High School will present an evening of musical entertainment as Miss Marsha McWilson and Richie Derwald, backed by the rhythmically tight Beautiful Music Band, perform a benefit concert on Saturday, December 10.
Showtime is at 6 pm at the High School at 520 66th St. in Niagara Falls.
As for the performers, Miss Marsha is expected to belt out her soul stirring renditions of hits made famous by Etta James, Aretha Franklin, Gladys Knight and Tina Turner.
Miss Marsha McWilson brings her elegance and style to Niagara Catholic for a benefit concert Sat. Dec. 10 at 6 pm.
Miss Marsha McWilson brings her elegance and style to Niagara Catholic for a benefit concert Sat. Dec. 10 at 6 pm.
And, as those who have heard her know, Miss Marsha has an incredibly elastic, passionate voice.
When she brings her voice down to her thick and weighty bottom range, her slightly smoky voice is resonant and powerful – room filling.
When she ascends into the belting range, hers is a voice so authentic and pure that few in the audience fail to get goose bumps or chills up and down their spines.
In the higher ranges, while Miss Marsha’s voice becomes lighter, she can sing complex vocal runs and hold notes for lengths of time with ease.
When Richie Derwald assumes the persona of the aging Elvis, he can make you alternately laugh with delight at the aptness of the impersonation and cry at the lonesome tones of the aging King, who too soon was gone at the age of only 42.
When Richie Derwald assumes the persona of the aging Elvis, he can make you alternately laugh with delight at the aptness of the impersonation and cry at the lonesome tones of the aging King, who too soon was gone at the age of only 42.
Also on the program is singer, comedian, impersonator, and actor Richie Derwald, with his high energy and rather dazzling tour de force performance of the songs of great baritones and tenors.
His legendary ‘worn velveteen’ interpretations of Frank Sinatra songs are show stoppers.
So is his full-throated, robust baritone sound – of Tom Jones, or his cool and ‘gravelly voiced’ Neil Diamond.
And when he hits that indefinable quality of yearning that was heard in the evocative voice of Elvis Presley, Derwald seemingly becomes Elvis for his growing audiences.
In keeping with the season, this top talent vocal soul and pop concert will also feature a selection of beautiful holiday songs, fun and inspiring and, of course, infused by the love of the season, and of the host’s gracious hospitality with guests being served complimentary wine and hors d’oeuvres.
All are welcome.
During intermissions, attendees will undoubtedly enjoy a chance to meet and greet the teachers and administrators, the parents and the students of Niagara Catholic Junior and Senior High School.
The show is for the benefit of this highly-rated and reputed school with its excellent standards of academics combined with its superb efforts at inculcating in its students the clean and healthy, life affirming concepts of virtuous living in conformity with the teachings of Jesus Christ.
This show will likely be one of the treats of the 2016 holiday season.
Tickets are $20 pre-sale (online via marshamcwilson.com) or $25 at the door.
Proceeds from the event will benefit the school and contribute further to the education of its students.

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