Aries: (March 21 -
While you don't believe
you have the face
of a horse, how is it that
people keep holding
sugar cubes in front of you? Shave your
head, paint yourself green, get on your
spaceship and fly back to your home
planet. You are exacerbated, although
you don't know it since you are not sure
exactly what the word means.
Taurus: (April 20 -
Forget about dieting.
Face and ears, need
to be hatcheted off your
body before anyone will care whether
you are skinny or fat. Stick to what you
do best -- nothing. Try to consider why
people invariably yawn the moment you
begin talking. Heed advice about sources
of all-natural fiber.
Gemini: (May 21 -
Say nothing positive
about anyone for
three days. There is
anger in your brain.
Douse it with beer. Boycott all personal
hygiene products because of animal testing.
Your spouse is unusually silent on
breakup. But you calculated on that.
Homicide victims rarely talk to police.
Cancer: (June 21 -
While you are unattractive
with a nose similar
to that of a toucan,
make-up and butt pads
will help as will plastic surgery and tattoos
and botox for your forehead. Loved
ones may not appreciate your constant
suggestions that they are stupid. AM:
Keep away from sulfuric acid.
Leo: (July 23 - August
Skunk hair, catfish
face, Jay Leno chin, pigeon
toes and vacant
stare. Yes, Leo, you
know you're hot! Bad dream unnerves
you. Sun. Put on a few extra strokes of
deodorant. Neptune in 8th house prompts
Virgo: (August 23 -
Pancake head, pale,
wrinkled face, beady
eyes, too much eyeliner,
too thin, duck lips. Yes, Virgo, you know
you're hot! This week will be like any
other, except on Wednesday. Major
achievements, new friends, and a new
way to make a lot of money are coming
to a lot of people this week. You will not
be one of them
Libra: (September 23 - October 22)
Love troubles clear up when gracious Gemini, with warm smile and toothy dentures, invites you to spend the night. AM: Apply sunscreen when lying on beach for more than eight hours.
Don't consult stars. Turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to people's red eyes and constant laughter.
Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21)
Surgery, hair dying, straightening, waxing, tanning, diets, and workouts results in NO improvement whatsoever. People regard you as dense, but you never notice. Smoking marijuana will help you forget that most people consider you a pothead.
Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21)
You will have a date with an attractive Pisces who will check your pulse repeatedly on date to confirm you are alive. Throw out pens that don't work. You are as personable as a wet roll of toilet paper. Tues PM: Attractive, but wall-eyed Libra seems to be staring at you.
Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19)
Onion head with mouse ears, saggy jowls, droopy eyes, a pug nose, nasty sloppy lips, buck teeth, rat's nest hair, chubby chipmunk cheeks, fat thunder thighs, hook nosed, wrinkly lizard skin hanging on an uneven awkward frame. You belong in Hollywood. Save money. Write in the memo field for all your checks, "For smuggling cocaine."
Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18)
Pasty, pale vampire skin, huge protruding nose, wrinkles surrounding your mouth, ugly outdated 1960s haircut, thin eyebrows drooping over alien eyes, thunder thighs and cankles, horse face. Someone please kill this thing with fire. Sat pm: Finger food does not include human fingers.
Pisces: (February 19 - March 20)
Lips like two pieces of soggy liver, large cheekbones, crooked eyebrows, warped nose, HUGE chin and gums that look like they are going to jump out of your mouth and attack someone every time you smile. Be proud of your heritage. Let your slick, black oily hair shine and your nose grow. Think positive! Keep an ear out for someone with an interesting accent.