Aries: (March 21 - April
Lover breaks up and writes
sequel to Milton, called
Friend's suicide note turns out to be hoax.
Conceal disappointment. You experiment
with ways to fix your stupidity, but nothing
seems to change the fact that you are who you
are. Mon. PM. Don't buy poisonous snake.
Taurus: (April 20 - May
An attractive member of
the opposite sex is secretly
laughing at you. A close friend confides in
you a highly embarrassing personal problem.
Spice up week by telling everyone you know
and having good laugh over it. P.M. Best time
Gemini: (May 21 - June
Encouraging news on
Tuesday will turn out to
be false. Rely on outgoing
personality and winning smile to get you into
a lot of trouble. Mercury in 7th house prompts
promotion. A co-worker who you treated with
contempt will become your new boss.
Weds. Pm: Brush your tongue.
Cancer: (June 21 - July
Try to figure out why people
often say, "If I throw a stick,
will you leave?" Go to a
bar, drink a lot, then get a new, fancy, four
color tattoo. Sat. PM: Prepare for nuclear
annihilation. Sun AM: Good time to buy
breath mints wholesale.
Leo: (July 23 - August 22)
Your talents as a musician
come to the fore when
several recognize you as
skilled at playing the liar.
Life on the home front has never been more
serene since you left. Your narcoleptic lover
finally opens eyes. Tues. am: If you have the
money buy a chain of steak houses.
Virgo: (August 23 -
Taking drugs is not smart.
However, selling drugs is.
You will have ample reason
to exclaim this week: "Nobody makes a
good deodorant." Failure to make mortgage
payments leaves Uranus in empty house. P.M.
Avoid lamb chops. A.M. The meek shall
inherit the earth.
Libra: (September 23 -
A bat wielding Capricorn
will provide answer to
question, "What is it about
me that makes people want to beat me with
a baseball bat?" Weight gain, plus sun
bathing, plus lying on beach on belly prompts
Greenpeace activists to try to push you back
into the sea.
Scorpio: (October 23 -
You will be torn away from
friends and cast out of the
only home you've ever
known, now that your prison sentence is over.
Learn to speak English. Mars orbit prompts
current lover to express private regret for
secretly murdering former spouse. Give your
social security number to Nigerian email
Sagittarius: (November 22
- December 21)
Be enthusiastic about the
success of others, since you
will have none yourself. A
short trip is in the stars, possibly to the
bathroom. Your new lover is a trifle jumpy
and steals your life savings. Do not date, joke
Capricorn: (December 22
- January 19)
You will come face to face
with your worst fears this
week after standing in front
of a bathroom mirror. Your first instinct will
be to run. AM: Monday: Nose appears to
grow longer. A person more repulsive than
you will become an avid admirer.
Aquarius: (January 20 -
People regard you as dense,
but you never notice. Stars
indicate you will find a
young, vibrant, attractive person, with similar
interests, a fun, laughing, outgoing person
who loves the outdoors, who is allergic to you.
Avoid playing in traffic on Wed
Pisces: (February 19 -
Follow your instincts on
matters involving a reputed
mobster. Beware of
arguments at home boiling over and dividing
the house as food levels run low. Wed. PM:
Supervisor notices embroidered bathroom
curtains missing. Sunday PM: Test all food