Your Weekly Horoscope

Aries: (March 21 - April 19) Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be a lot better if you were trying to be funny. You really don't think you will ever be able to love another the way you loved your last lover, but you are really eager to try.

Taurus: (April 20 - May 20) Don't talk to strangers because you have bad breath. You grow like a little acorn and become a real nut. Your ample derriere is relatively safe, but - and it is a big 'but' - you understood there is always an inherent risk involving any surgery

Gemini: (May 21 - June 20) Mars entering Jupiter suggest heart is ruled by Venus. Capricorn in 5th suggests: get your head out of Uranus. You should shower more often, like other people do. This week try something different: Use guns, instead of words, to describe philosophical concepts. Dirty socks hidden in bedroom should be discarded. Mon pm: Do not drink poison. Weds. Pm: Brush your tongue.

Cancer: (June 21 - July 22) Rub medicine on feet to combat fungus growth. You insist you're single only because you're "too picky." Co-work-ers insist it's because you're 75 pounds overweight, have nauseating body odor and subnormal intelligence. Issue remains unresolved. You discover dead body in funeral home. Paranoia strikes deep.Thurs: Encouraging news is inaccurate.

Leo: (July 23 - August 22) Boil on backside that erupts this week seems more important to you than news you learn about 20 earthquakes in China. A promotion is around the corner for one of your co-workers. Amuse concert audience when you sing along at the opera.

Virgo: (August 23 - September 22) Dirty socks should be discarded for hygienic reasons. Set aside special time this week to humiliate yourself in public. Have co-workers address you by your stage name: Kardashian. Starvation becomes health hazard for you. AM: Buy scorpion. Remember it needs lots of affection.

 

Libra: (September 23 - October 22) A pudgy man with a winsome smile will annoy you. People visualize duct tape over your mouth. You have luscious, silver, hairy back, but no opposable thumbs. Human resources refers your marijuana smoking to joint committee to deter mine what to do. PM: Avoid temptation to believe in astrology

Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21) Water sign in retrograde suggests not bathing may be preventing you from getting a job. You are shocked to learn sex offenders lie about where they live. Lying is horrible. AM: Show off personality: Bet new lover you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21) You will live in several cities in apartments where you will learn about the different eviction laws in various cities. No pie, cake or donut ever crossed your path and survived. Put decaf in coffeemaker at work for three weeks but tell no one. Saturday PM: Show date new wound and ask if it looks infected.

Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19) Halitosis strikes deep. Becoming invisible could prove useful. Try to imagine yourself with a personality. PM: Dinner. Avoid Heimlich maneuver if possible. Do not paint body parts with high gloss paint. If necessary, use matte finish. Courtordered anger management classes piss you off, royally. Don't forget to tell judge of your disdain in stern language.

Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18) Using words may help communicate your thoughts. You grow on people, like a colony of E.coli on room-temperature beef. Lover responds to your pathetic pleas with: "If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead?" Muddlement is your word of the week.

Pisces: (February 19 - March 20) Be careful. This month Pluto will move behind Uranus. For your birthday, friends plan to do something you'd really enjoy, but not with you. Meeting with attractive Aries provides warm coincidence: you both have the same fat pants. Meddling leads to loss of limbs, suicide and a windfall. Use the $50 bucks for a new tattoo.