Aries: (March 21 -
Everywhere you go,
laughter and comedy
ensue. This would be a
lot better if you were
trying to be funny. You really don't think you
will ever be able to love another the way you
loved your last lover, but you are really eager
Taurus: (April 20 -
Don't talk to strangers
because you have bad
breath. You grow like a
little acorn and become
a real nut. Your ample derriere is relatively
safe, but - and it is a big 'but' - you understood
there is always an inherent risk involving any
Gemini: (May 21 - June
Mars entering Jupiter
suggest heart is ruled
by Venus. Capricorn in
5th suggests: get your head out of Uranus.
You should shower more often, like other
people do. This week try something different:
Use guns, instead of words, to describe
philosophical concepts. Dirty socks hidden in
bedroom should be discarded. Mon pm: Do
not drink poison.
Weds. Pm: Brush your tongue.
Cancer: (June 21 - July
Rub medicine on feet to
combat fungus growth.
You insist you're single
only because you're "too picky." Co-work-ers
insist it's because you're 75 pounds overweight,
have nauseating body odor and subnormal
intelligence. Issue remains unresolved. You
discover dead body in funeral home. Paranoia
strikes deep.Thurs: Encouraging news is
Leo: (July 23 - August
Boil on backside that
erupts this week seems
more important to you
than news you learn about 20 earthquakes
in China. A promotion is around the corner
for one of your co-workers. Amuse concert
audience when you sing along at the opera.
Virgo: (August 23 -
Dirty socks should be
discarded for hygienic
reasons. Set aside
special time this week to
humiliate yourself in public. Have co-workers
address you by your stage name: Kardashian.
Starvation becomes health hazard for you.
AM: Buy scorpion. Remember it needs lots
Libra: (September 23
- October 22)
A pudgy man with a
winsome smile will
annoy you. People
visualize duct tape over
your mouth. You have luscious, silver, hairy
back, but no opposable thumbs. Human
resources refers your marijuana smoking to
joint committee to deter mine what to do. PM:
Avoid temptation to believe in astrology
Scorpio: (October 23 -
Water sign in retrograde
suggests not bathing
may be preventing you
from getting a job. You
are shocked to learn sex offenders lie about
where they live. Lying is horrible. AM: Show
off personality: Bet new lover you can fit a
quarter in your nose.
22 - December 21)
You will live in several
cities in apartments
where you will learn
about the different
eviction laws in various cities. No pie, cake
or donut ever crossed your path and survived.
Put decaf in coffeemaker at work for three
weeks but tell no one. Saturday PM: Show
date new wound and ask if it looks infected.
22 - January 19)
Halitosis strikes deep.
could prove useful. Try
to imagine yourself
with a personality. PM:
Dinner. Avoid Heimlich maneuver if possible.
Do not paint body parts with high gloss
paint. If necessary, use matte finish. Courtordered
anger management classes piss you
off, royally. Don't forget to tell judge of your
disdain in stern language.
Aquarius: (January 20
- February 18)
Using words may help
thoughts. You grow on
people, like a colony
of E.coli on room-temperature beef. Lover
responds to your pathetic pleas with: "If you
can't live without me, why aren't you dead?"
Muddlement is your word of the week.
Pisces: (February 19 -
Be careful. This month
Pluto will move behind
Uranus. For your
birthday, friends plan to
do something you'd really enjoy, but not with
you. Meeting with attractive Aries provides
warm coincidence: you both have the same
fat pants. Meddling leads to loss of limbs,
suicide and a windfall. Use the $50 bucks for
a new tattoo.