Aries: (March 21 - April 19): This week you will ask a stranger, "What are you doing in my bedroom at this time of night, and why are you grinning at me with those sharp teeth." Your wish comes true if you take up a life of crime.
Sat. a.m.: Losing weight will make you look slimmer
Taurus: (April 20 - May 20): "Baggydrawers" is not the nickname you expected from coworkers after you purchased new green, polyester fat pants. Financial institution adds "fees" to your accounts. You like travelling and if you had money then you would do so. Nose hair glistens in rain after a sneeze.
Gemini: (May 21 - June 20): Feathers and fresh tar will figure in your sudden decision to relocate. Your fingerprints are on "blunt instrument" that caused fatal depression in your boss's skull. Wipe croquet mallet clean.
Tues a.m.: Using words may help communicate your thoughts.
Tues. p.m. Remember: Take and you shall receive.
Cancer: (June 21 - July 22): You will have meeting with exciting Virgo who is (fortunately) skilled at the Heimlich Maneuver. Your brain should play a big part in your decisions today. Change your sign to Pisces.
You have a good heart, but bad breath.
Sat. a.m.: You win screaming contest.
Leo: (July 23 - August 22): Even if you lose weight, you will still have an obnoxious personality. While wearing an outfit made entirely of cuttlebones, you meet winsome stranger who has narcolepsy.
Saturday p.m. best time to choke loved one.
Weds. p.m.: Elope with the village idiot.
Virgo: (August 23 - September 22): Finances improve for coworker who takes your job. Increase your medication. Don't forget to purchase two tickets when you visit the zoo. You'll need one to get out. Sat: p.m. don't pick at scabs.
Weds. p.m.: Look both ways before crossing street.
Libra: (September 23 - October 22): Your personality resembles a Labrador's nose: cold, black, and wet. Rub medicine on feet to combat fungus growth. Purchase a BMW rather than a Chevrolet because it is easier to spell. You visit a haunted house and come out with a job application! Consider moving. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21): Stars point out that you were boring in your past and will be so in the future. Gambling with your possessions always seems like a good idea at the time. Wear ugly sweaters to distract people from seeing your face. A promotion is just around the corner for someone more talented than you.
Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21): Stop kissing the mirror with admiration. Be ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. You become so famous in your area that every policeman knows you. Be enthusiastic about the success of others, since you will have none yourself.
Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19): The stars indicate you should ignore people who say you are illogical, unreasonable and self-centered. The stars also say they are absolutely right. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Laser hair removal helps distinguish your back from your hair.
Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18): Hoped-for date responds to proposed meeting time with "How about never? Is never good for you?" Ask your parents to increase your allowance to ten cents a week. Avoid unnecessary death. Boss shakes you off like a bad case of fleas. Get out of your room on Friday.
Pisces: (February 19 - March 20): Your desire for justice and truth is overshadowed by desire for fast, illegal money. Future looks bleak. You will get a job where you meet people, with plenty of air. It will involve standing on street corners and shaking a tin cup. A tender, romantic encounter is out of the question.