Aries: (March 21 - April 19):
People can't miss you if you won't go away. Whatever it is that's eating you, it must be suffering horribly. The overwhelming power of the sex drive is demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you. This week you will have cause to remember that there is no vaccine against stupidity.
Taurus: (April 20 - May 20):
People like to help you out; once they know which way you came in. Next time you get the urge to think...don't. Moonlight becomes you – total darkness even more! People say that you are the perfect idiot. You are not perfect but you are doing all right.
Gemini: (May 21 - June 20):
You are free of all prejudice. You hate everyone equally. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! People like you make the Internet all but impossible to trust. Someone took a photo of you once but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
Cancer: (June 21 - July 22):
If idiots could fly, you would be an airport. Having control over yourself is nearly as good as having control over others. People never forget the first time they met you – although somehow they keep trying. You have no idea how acutely depressing it is for other people to realize they're from the same species as you.
Leo: (July 23 - August 22):People don't know what your problem is, but they believe it must be hard to pronounce. Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon. Sat. PM Date asks you to slip into something more comfortable...like a coma. Every other day: All things being equal, you lose.
Virgo: (August 23 - September 22):
If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose. You're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. You don't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again you don't know the meaning of most words. It is not enough for you to succeed. Others must fail in the process.
Libra: (September 23 - October 22):
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Nothing is quite so annoying to you as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting. Don't feel sorry for yourself because you are so homely, feel sorry for other people because they have to look at you.
Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21):
Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. You love nature, despite what it did to you.
You become connected to the Police Department — by a pair of handcuffs.
You're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be! It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21):
Close counts. When you ask your boss if you are an asset. He tells you, you are only off by two letters. Opposites attract. You are attracted to someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
Someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.
Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19):
People wonder what life would have been like if you had had enough oxygen at birth. Slow down. There are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another.
This week a surprising number of people will ask you, Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18):
What you lack in intelligence, you more than makes up for in stupidity. Cream rises to the top. So does the scum. You are so dishonest that people can't even be sure that what you tell them are lies! Smile... Tomorrow will be worse.
Pisces: (February 19 - March 20):
Your inferiority complex is fully justified.
People will follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light. You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant. You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.