Your Weekly Horoscope

Taurus: (April 20 - May 20): When you get bladder infection, urine trouble. People will constantly ask you How many times do I have to flush before you go away? Don't turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly. They call you "Taco Bell" - when people see you they run for the border.

Gemini: (May 21 - June 20): Remember: Every calendar's days are numbered. No amount of makeup will fix your stupidity. You're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be! Arrogance is a virtue. Farmers use your picture as a scarecrow. If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.

Cancer: (June 21 - July 22): Don't take job offer at H&R Block, it will be too taxing. You look like a before picture. What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his ass back?! One more wrinkle and you'd pass for a prune. Do not go to the zoo they may refuse to let you out.

Leo: (July 23 - August 22): Don't take job as a baker, you make enough dough. No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they? You grow on people, like a wart! People put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

Virgo: (August 23 - September 22): People say you are a gossip but you say you have a great sense of rumor. People can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move. Earth is full. Go home. NASA plans to use you to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer.

Libra: (September 23 - October 22): What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit. Stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate". You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. There is no vaccine against stupidity. You are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21): There's only one problem with your face, people can see it. You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway. Learn from your parents' mistakes – use birth control! Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.

Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21): You can lose ten pounds of ugly fat. Cut off your head. You aren't really stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking. You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet. Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19): Laughter is the best medicine, your face could cure the world. You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts. Mirrors don't talk but lucky for you they don't laugh. You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.

Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18): You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk. Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse. You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about. Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.

Pisces: (February 19 - March 20): .People don't know what makes you so stupid, but they know it really works. You send photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely. Your parents take you to a dog show and you win. This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.