Aries: (March 21 - April 19):
Doctors discover strange growth on your neck is your head. You are so ugly, at a Christmas party they hung you and kissed the mistletoe! I've seen better legs on chickens. The gift you have that allows you to speak to the animals will today be unveiled as a fraud.
Taurus: (April 20 - May 20):
You have a mind of your own which is good since who else would want it? There's only one trouble with your face-- it shows! Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
Gemini: (May 21 - June 20):
You’re present life is proof of reincarnation-- no one could get that dumb in just one lifetime. You should join the Ku Klux Klan – you would look a lot better with a hood over your head.
Cancer: (June 21 - July 22):
You have a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very light. You have a face like a flower-- a cauliflower. You have the urge to travel this week, and those instincts are spot-on. Burn all belongings before you leave the country.
Leo: (July 23 - August 22):
When people want the real dope about anything, they go to the real dope -- YOU!
Virgo: (August 23 - September 22):
The English Channel is not a British T.V. station. The equilibrium of Saturn’s seventh moon alignment with Pluto puts the sun in your water axis this week. Your marital status may change this week. You look like a million -- every year of it.
Libra: (September 23 - October 22):
The St. Louis Cardinals are not appointed by the Pope. You take vitamins A, B, C, D, E, F, and G, and still look like H. The adventurous type, you are always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, you are stupid.
Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21):
Stars say you will lose your dog, but don't put an ad in the newspaper. Your dog can't read. You have a nice head on your shoulders. But it would look better on a neck! You are a light eater. As soon as it gets light, you start eating.
Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21):
You jump off the bus backwards when you hear someone say, "Let's grab his seat when he gets off." You’re not exactly bad looking. There's just one little blemish between your ears—your face. You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron.
Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19):
You’re the kind of person that members of the opposite sex dream about at night -- it's better than seeing you in the light.
You had your face lifted so many times, you talk through your nose. Remember you are not fat – you’re "big boned." But your big bones are definitely fat!
Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18):
Looks aren't everything; in your case, they aren't anything. You have so many chins, you can't be sure of which one you're going to talk out of next. Even your double chin has a double chin. You have an inventive mind and are inclined toward progressiveness. Indeed you lie a great deal. A horoscope will affect your decisions today.
Pisces: (February 19 - March 20):
You have a very sympathetic face. It has everyone's sympathy.
You have a big heart, and a stomach to match. Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. Remember, it's unfair to expect your friends and family to provide you with alibis.