Mayor Dyster has a plan to close the $9 million deficit. He’s going to hold a bake sale at city hall. “We sell nine million cupcakes at a buck a piece and we’re flush,” said the mayor.
Donna Owens the reluctant city administrator has gotten into the act saying, “ It’s critical that we work together to fix the budget problem so our mayor can get back to his usual wild spending.”
Sublime irony. Dyster remarked, “I’m indebted to the voters for electing me. Now the voters are in debt for electing me.”
This guy means business. The mayor has called for an immediate 45% reduction in unnecessary spending.
When asked by the press whether he would raise taxes or reduce services due to the deficit Dyster, always the football fan, replied: “I’m going to punt and pin the deficit inside the 10 yard line. I think it’ll work!”
The city’s finance department has a plan to reduce the $9 million deficit by 33%. They’re going to turn the 9 upside down.
His Honor said that beer brewing and debt reduction are similar in many ways, “They both require a smooth, level head. But you can’t guzzle a deficit.”
Dyster has been spending city cash like an irresponsible drunk. Exactly.
A city hall observer said “the mayor can go a long way toward closing the budget gap by returning his beer empties.”
Donna Owens is serious about fixing the city’s fiscal woes. She’s removing the toilet paper from city hall restrooms, labeling toilet tissue as “an unnecessary cost”. The former Baltimore trash chief said, “I’m recommending that city employees bring a Sears catalog to work. If they don’t want to do that they can ‘hold it’ until they get home or walk up the street to the gas station.”
The mayor said that waste in city government is out of control. He’s paying a consultant $72,000 to write a study supporting his claim.
What can be said about the Dyster administration that hasn’t already been said? Uh, how about shocking, unbelievable, irresponsible and inexcusable?
“I’m a glass half full sort of guy,” said the mayor. “Some people see a deficit, I prefer to see an intermittent negative surplus.”