This Week in Stupid Crime

The Santa hat caper

City police arrested Antonio Dwight Porter, 50, of 2202 LaSalle Ave. last week on shoplifting charges. The unemployed and tattooed Porter was picked up after a short foot chase on Portage Road, running from the Dollar Tree store, which was the scene of the crime, towards the Trott Vocational building.

Porter made it easy for police. A tall black male dressed all in red with a black vest was a description few could match.

His booty, $19.44 worth of batteries and a red Santa hat, apparently designed to match the rest of his outfit, was recovered by officers.

Porter was charged with petit larceny, possession of stolen property and obstruction for his brief and unsuccessful run. After being booked, he was held in lieu of $1,500 bail.

Toy dog stolen, abandoned

Jose Antonio Irizarry, 29, of 610 24th St., was arrested on shoplifting charges after trying to steal a toy dog from the Super Walmart outlet on Military Road over the weekend.

When he realized he'd been spotted by one of Walmart's crack loss prevention specialists, he fled the scene, dropping the cuddly stuffed pooch, valued at $79.88 and was scene getting into a red Ford Explorer, which then pulled out onto Military Road.

Cops spotted the vehicle and pulled it over at the Ollie's Plaza. Irizarry folded immediately under questioning.

"I'm going to tell the truth," he said. "I was going to take something, but I saw they were watching me and I dropped it. It was stupid."

Stupid indeed. Irizarry, who is gainfully employed, was charged with petite larceny and issued an appearance ticket. The toy dog named Zoomer, will end up costing him far more than if he'd have just paid for it, and, since it was returned to the store, the child he'd likely planned on giving it to won't even get to see it.

Don't you just love how Christmas brings out the best in us all?

The Grinch stole Christmas

Police were called to a residence in the 600 block of 15th Street last week and arrived to find a 38 year old woman sobbing on the front lawn. She told cops that when she went to bed the night before, a lighted, 8-foot-tall inflatable Santa Claus and a 6-foot tall inflatable snowman were spreading Christmas cheer on her front lawn. When she got up the next morning and went outside to have a cigarette, both were gone, the tent stakes that had secured them to the ground now forlornly scattered about the lawn.

Cops knocked on doors only to find the houses were mostly vacant or nobody home. They drove around the neighborhood, hoping to find some sign of the missing Santa and snowman, but came up empty.

The madness.

A missing C-note

Pedro Torres, an employee of the 7-Eleven store on Niagara Street, was caught by a store surveillance camera pocketing a $100 bill from out of the till. The store manager lured Torres back to the store with an offer to allow him to pay the money back, then called cops to have him arrested instead.

Torres admitted to stealing the money.

"It was stupid," Pedro told the arresting officer. "I owed someone money, but I was going to pay it back. I'm really sorry. It was really stupid."

Torres, 27, of 635 25th St., was booked on a charge of petit larceny and jailed in lieu of $250 bail.

Needless to say, he no longer works at 7-Eleven.

So just remember, boys and girls. The creeps they stay active on these cold winter nights. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.