The History Channel, fresh off their probe of the Shroud of Turin, weighed in on the chances of solving the Mystery of the Dyster Budget. They said the Shroud of Turin was difficult, but "we have no intention of trying to tackle the riddle of the Paul Dyster annual budget."
Paul Dyster left Kristen Grandinetti as acting mayor while he went deer hunting. After wildly chasing after a silly political cartoon circulated at city hall Kristen proved one thing: there is a huge difference between being named "acting mayor" and "acting like a mayor."
City hall observers are puzzled by the tremendous uproar over cartoons lampooning city government personalities. One wag said, "The Dyster administration belongs in the funny pages anyway so what's the big deal?"
Council President Charles Walker has been out of sight regarding the 2015 budget. We're told he was recently spotted at city hall walking through the building with a handful of receipts and a pocket calculator trying to put his two-year-overdue campaign financial report together.
People are wondering how Dyster made the city budget disappear for 37 days…they forget that this is the same guy who "disappeared" $50 million on a courthouse, $45 million on a train station and $500,000 on a condemned fire hall.
When asked why a video featuring children spewing the F-word wasn't offensive but that a harmless political cartoon was offensive Kristen Grandinetti exclaimed, "Allow me to paraphrase a hero of mine, Forrest Gump, by saying, 'offensive is as offensive does.'"
City hall insiders tell the Reporter that Controller Brown and freshman Councilman Andrew Touma have been huddling in the controller's office preparing the city budget. In fact Touma has told his friends that the controller has initiated him into the secrets of the budget including the legendary "floating deficit trick" and "the gamut of budget gimmicks" two obscure fiscal methods previously known only to the controller and three Tibetan monks.
Mayor Dyster went deer hunting and while gone missed a record-breaking snowstorm, three visits from Gov. Cuomo and his own public hearing on the tax cap. To this Dyster remarked, "Thank goodness nothing important happened while I was out in the woods."
We have learned that Dyster and public works Chief Dave Kinney haven't spoken to each other for the past eight months. That'd be perfectly normal if they were a middle-aged married couple, not the mayor and the director of the city's largest department.
Kristen Grandinetti and Maria Brown were enraged by the alleged "bullying" at the hands of Sam Fruscione and cartoonist Gerald Skrlin. The ladies said: "We won't stand for being abused like this. We promise to crush and destroy those who challenge us by having the nerve to exercise their right to free speech."
Grandinetti said of the now infamous cartoon, "The wasting of taxpayer money and the abuse of the voters by those in government is nothing to laugh about!" Precisely.
Not to be left out of the conversation Controller Maria Brown weighed in, saying, "If a cartoonist is allowed to poke fun at Niagara Falls officials then what's next…the president, the governor, the national debt, the world economy… war?"
The Paul Dyster annual city budget is now recognized as the dramatic three-act charade it truly is: Act I - the deficit is declared Act II - deficit drama is inflamed
Act III – deficit is resolved and pay raises are then awarded to top city officials beginning with the Controller…Curtain Down. See you again next year.