Your Weekly Horoscope: It's in the Stars...

Aries: High appeal to the opposite gender. Fun to be around. Very caring. This doesn’t sound like you and the stars can do nothing to change it. A pudgy man with a winsome smile will annoy you. Sat. Drooling at a.m. restaurant meeting creates distraction.

Taurus: The "armpit of the zodiac." Body odor much commented upon. There isn't enough Old Spice in the universe to solve this problem. Stick with online relationships only. With the exception of your collection of small, dismembered animals, your hobbies are illegal. Screaming is on the agenda.

Gemini: Moon in the 11th house indicates you are about to get into another chat room argument. Solar Eclipse in Cancer will cause disruption to your wifi. The stars indicate feelings of gratitude. Later this week, you will be grateful for a loved one's ability to almost painlessly remove splinters from your backside. Fri. p.m. Catch flies with vinegar.

Cancer: If you can give yourself space to ponder, you may be able to answer two puzzling questions which have been bothering you for a long time. One: Will people invite you to more parties, if you learn to wiggle your ears? Two: Should you avoid sunlight and dye your hair black? Monday a.m. Halitosis more offensive when in confined spaces.

Leo: Leos are known to become more repulsive as they grow older. Live for today. The stars suggest that, after being murdered, your body will be disposed of in trash cans near or at the scene of the crime. Wed. p.m.: Things are not looking good for online relationship.

Virgo: The widow of an African political leader will offer you $10 million sometime this week by email. Send bank account information, passwords and any reasonable sum of money needed to facilitate this lucrative transaction. Action needed: Dump your lover before she/he dumps you later this month. Be careful. This month Pluto will move behind Uranus.

Libra: You have a good heart, but bad breath. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. Avoid contact with normal people. You gather attention at office when you play incessantly with hair under armpits. P.m. Don’t miss Tournament of Champions on “Family Feud" on WBBZ.

Scorpio: Begin day with exercise, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and do push-ups after a session of meth-snorting. End the day naked, high on methamphetamines, and standing in an abandoned parking lot as police arrive. Conflict between head and heart. Mars entering Jupiter suggest heart is ruled by Venus. Capricorn in 5th suggests: get your head out of Uranus.

Sagittarius: Stars align to get you bonus without having to bother the boss. Later in the week, a bat wielding Capricorn will provide answer to a lingering question, "What is it about you that makes people want to beat you with a baseball bat?" Wed. a.m., best time to embezzle at work. Wed. p.m. Pack a small bag and head for bus station.

Capricorn: Your first instinct this week will be to run. You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror. Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list. Tues. a.m.: Good time to buy breath mints wholesale.

Aquarius: The moon is in the Seventh House. As Jupiter aligns with Mars. Peace will guide the planets. Love will steer the stars. Mole on your back is actually a gopher. Harmony and understanding. Sympathy and trust abounding. No more falsehoods or derisions. Your vocational options include a greased dancing pole or making license plates. Uranus is in plain sight. Put some pants on.

Pisces: The stars are in perfect alignment: Golden living dreams of visions, plus mystic crystal revelation and the mind's true liberation, make you feel enthusiastic and helpful. But don't talk to people up close because you have bad breath. Invest in a new toothbrush, floss and a tongue scraper. Consider body piercing to brighten your appearance.