The finances of the city of Niagara Falls are swirling so far down into a black hole that even Stephen Hawking is impressed.
“We’re not actually bleeding money,” says Mayor Dyster, “It’s just that expenditures are outpacing allocations, right?”
Mayor Dyster hit on a new idea to save the city of Niagara Falls from insolvency. He decided to invest what’s left of the reserve fund into penny stocks. Since penny stocks have such a huge upside potential, if he was right, all the city’s financial woes might be taken care of.
So he contacts a stock broker, who recommends a company that manufactures parking meters. “It’s a hot stock that will really move,” said the broker, “and it’s only $1 a share.”
“Buy me 1000 shares.” said Dyster.
The next day the stock was at $2. Dyster called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”
The next day he looked on the internet and the stock was at $4.
Hizzoner ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares!” he cried.
“Great!” said the broker.
The next day an ecstatic Mayor Dyster looks it up, and the stock was now at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had made in just a few days, Dyster called the broker and instructed, “Sell all my shares immediately!”
The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”
The year was 2020, and it had come to pass that the city no longer had money to pay for Lockport Street to get paved.
In fact, Accadia Site Contracting, noticing that a previous invoice hadn’t been paid by the city, instructed its collections manager to contact City Hall.
The collections manager made the call and left a message for Community Development director Seth Piccirillo who, because of personnel cutbacks, was now also the city’s Economic Development director, Treasurer and was in charge of setting the darkness control on the copy machine.
The message informed Piccirillo that, “We can’t finish paving Lockport Street until you pay for previous work done.”
After a brief conference with Mayor Dyster, Piccirillo replied,
“Forget about it. We can’t wait that long.”
A Niagara Falls lawyer was relaxing on a Florida beach when an old friend from back home walked by. Happy to see him, he asked the lawyer what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that Niagara Falls real estate I owned? Well, it all burned down in the middle of the night, so here I am with the insurance proceeds.”
“What about you?” the lawyer asked his friend, who replied, “Remember that lousy condo I had in Houston? Well, Hurricane Harvey wiped me out, so here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how do you start a hurricane?”